That Wasn't Supposed to Happen!
by The Wolf's Shadow
Summary: Just a few what-might-have-beens and what-ifs. Includes different members of the crew and other characters. Latest chapters: Sunday Afternoon; I Can't Run, But I Can Sure As Heck; McCoy thinks,"What an idiot.".
1. Mind Melt

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Mind Melt

Spock exited swiftly from the brig. His brow furrowed slightly, he looked almost confused.

"What happened, Spock?" asked Kirk.

"Sir, I... I believe I have just performed a mind _melt._"

For a little while they both looked uncertainly at each other.

Kirk started to speak, paused for a moment and then said thoughtfully, "_That's_ never happened before."


	2. Practice Makes Perfect

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

Reference: _The Enterprise Incident_. They had to pull of Kirk's death just right, otherwise the Romulan captain would have been suspicious. It only makes sense that they would practice before hand.

* * *

Practice Makes Perfect

McCoy caught Kirk and lowered him to the floor. His voice full of hurt, panic, and betrayal. "What did you do? What did you do?"

"I was unprepared for his attack", Spock said stiffly.

"I instinctively, might have, possibly, maybe used the 'Vulcan Death Grip", he continued hesitantly.

"Spock? What in the world..." groaned McCoy.

Kirk getting to his feet said, "Spock, you need to try harder; it's very important we get this right. One more time, from the top."

McCoy groaned again.


	3. Scotty's Ale

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Scotty's Ale

It had been a bad month for Scotty. In between emergencies, getting a decent meal, and the occasional good nights sleep, he only ever had a minute or two a day for a glass of scotch and never time for anything else. So naturally after a little while he ran out of it, and not having any time to get some more, he had to resort to other measures.

* * *

He waited until the night shift before setting out. Being careful not to attract any attention, he walked along at a leisurely pace while taking the long route. Occasionally when someone noticed how strange it was for him to be in that section of the ship at that time of night, he would whip out a little machine that would beep at random and would wave it around, looking like he was doing something official. It worked every time.

Eventually, he arrived at sickbay. He proceeded to wave his way past the night nurse and into McCoy's office. On his knees, he rummaged through all the drawers until he found it. Finally! The small bottle of Romulan ale glinted in the artificial light.

"Eh, it'll do."

* * *

A/N: I would love to see McCoy's reaction. Hint, hint.

I'm looking at you. Yes, you. I know you're reading this. Now look me in the eye and tell me you don't have the slightest inclination to review. Remember, reviews help me keep going. If you happen to have a prompt, please include it in the review. Thank you!


	4. Fruity

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

Reference: _Friday's Child_

* * *

Fruity

"Jim!"

Kirk looked up, his hand inches away from the strange fruit. He looked confused.

"If you touch it, her nearest male relative will have to try to kill you. They're offering you a chance for combat; they consider it more pleasurable than love." explained McCoy. He was enjoying this.

Spock moved closer to look at the other fruit, he asked McCoy, "Doctor, what is the meaning of this green fruit with spines?"

"Well, that means they don't like you. If you accept it, you agree that there won't be any communication between the two of you."

"Fascinating."

Kirk pointed from his seat to a apple-like, purple fruit. "What does that one mean?"

McCoy grinned outright. "If she were to give this one to you and you were to touch it, it would mean that you've agreed to court her. Looks like she really came prepared."

After McCoy said this, the alien woman turned to him and held up a cob of corn. It cast a yellow glow on the air around it.

Spock looked questioningly at this. "Doctor, what is the significance of that corn?"

McCoy scratched his head. "Ya' know, Spock, I really don't have any idea."


	5. Mind Melt Continued

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Mind Melt Continued

Ensign Morun was _not_ happy.

At the moment he was unhappy because he was mopping up the mess Spock had made last week. He was from security for goodness sake! Why the heck was he filling in for Phil, the janitor? He was seriously beginning to rethink joining Starfleet if this is how they ran things... Shouldn't they have called someone to clean this up earlier?

As it was, Ensign Morun was now mopping up the remains of something. Or someone? He didn't want to know.

* * *

Half an hour later the gooey mess where the head should have been still refused to come of the floor.

Poking it with his boot, the disgruntled Morun grumbled, "I'm a redshirt not a janitor! I should be beaming down to some planet right now."

The universe, sufficiently reminded, saw fit at this time to reanimate the mess on the floor long enough for it to move three inches to the left, tripping Ensign Morun.

Flying head over heels into the wall and then ricocheting to the doorway where the force shield activated, Morun's short stint as a janitor met it's end.


	6. Quote I

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it. I would like to own McCoy though...

* * *

_**What happens if you get scared half to death twice?**_

McCoy watched with at first panic, and then awe, as Ensign Morun screamed in terror at the over-sized insect that was about to ingest him. Turning to run, Morun's eyes opened wide to stare into the jaws of a giant, bloodsucking, leech-like creature. He then toppled over, apparently dead. Morun, not the leech. "Dang redshirt, now what am I supposed to write in my report?" grumbled McCoy as he made his escape.


	7. Quote II

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

_**Why do people say 'heads up' when you should duck?**_

"Heads up!" warned Captain Kirk as yet another duck carcass flew through the air.

McCoy popped up from his place of safety, only to get a face full of fowl. "Dang it, Jim! Stop doing that!"

"Doing what, Bones?" Kirk smirked.

Later that day it was heard all over the ship how McCoy had leapt up from behind his table in the mess hall, and had dodged every single duck that the replicators had thrown at him just so he could strangle the Captain.


	8. Quote III

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

_**What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?**_

He was walking towards engineering to speak to Scotty when he saw 's eyebrow raised in question of the sight before him.

Standing in the middle of the hall was a red engineering ladder, with a perfectly pristine four-leafed-clover resting just beneath it.

Scratching his head, he was going to ask someone what was going on, but then decided against it. No one had noticed yet, so what was the harm?

He walked on, being careful not to pass under the ladder.


	9. Quote IV

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

_**An apple a day keeps the doctor away if well aimed.**_

Spock contemplated the means of defense he was about to use.

"Doctor, I warn you, do not attempt to approach me or I will be forced to use this apple." He readied himself to throw it at the confused doctor.

"What the heck are you talking about, Spo-" was as far as McCoy got before he was pelted repeatedly with apples.

As he made his tactical retreat to sickbay he thought to himself, "Well, we'll just have to try for that physical examination _again_ tomorrow."


	10. Quote V

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

Reference: _A Piece of The Action_

* * *

"So what we have to do is beam down to the planet's surface, steal a car so we can drive to one of the gang boss' house, hold the boss hostage, get all the other gang bosses to meet with us, ignore the prime directive so we can beat up a few of their thugs and impress the bosses, make an arrangement, and then beam out of there and be on our way" explained Kirk.

"Wow" exclaimed McCoy, "_**That's pretty illegal… even for us.**_"


	11. Spork

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Spork

"Spock, what is it?" asked Kirk in a hushed voice.

"I do not know, Captain" replied Spock.

"It's so... unnatural" murmured McCoy.

They all gazed down at the spork.


	12. Of Grapefruit and Bets

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Of Grapefruit and Bets

"Captain, may I ascertain as to why you are embracing a grapefruit?" Spock gave Kirk one of his heavily patented eyebrow raises.

"Oh, I've sent out a ship-wide memo that today is Get to Know Your Fruit Day! I chose a grapefruit because grapefruits need more love. What did you choose?"

Spock's stance was stiff as he said, "I did not receive the memo. As I am not aware of the rules, I will not be able to participate in today's activities."

"Well, this is ho-", Kirk's voice cut off as he saw Spock walk hurriedly away from him, making a valiant attempt to appear as if he hadn't heard Kirk.

As he watched Spock scurry away, Kirk chuckled. Unbeknownst to himself, Spock was headed straight for sickbay.

* * *

The doors to sickbay hissed open as Spock walked in.

McCoy sprang out of his office and ran at Spock, yelling the whole time, _"Hey Spock! Let's play Pin the Ear On the Vulcan!"_

Spock, his eyes wide, turned tail. The doors to sickbay shut behind him.

* * *

Later Kirk met up with McCoy in a discreet little corner. "Well, how long did it take you?" hissed McCoy.

"A little less than a minute", replied a grinning Kirk .

McCoy let out a short laugh. "He was out of sick bay in ten seconds flat. Sorry, Jim, but I win."

After settling the bet, McCoy leaned in close to whisper in Kirk's ear. "Man, that hobgoblin can run!"

A loud guffaw rang out in the mess hall, causing a certain hobgoblin to take his leave.

* * *

A/N: This was written for Kamai6 who made a request for grapefruit.


	13. Too Human

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Too Human

"Bones, I just don't understand it", said a worried Kirk.

"Don't worry, Jim. I'll handle this."

McCoy turned to Spock. "Have you contracted any rare diseases recently? Any close friends die? Come in contact with any strange plants or their spores?" McCoy continued calling out questions from the list that he and Kirk had compiled over the years...

"Nope. Nothing's happened", responded Spock once McCoy was done. "In fact, I feel pretty good." He smiled.

Looking over to Kirk, McCoy said, "I know I've always said Spock should be more human, but this is just wrong!"


	14. Sticky

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Sticky

The people of this planet were tall and lanky with long, angular faces and bright orange had been part of the Federation for some time now, but there were some anomalies in their area that Starfleet wanted checked out.

It was for this reason that Kirk, McCoy, and Chekov got some vacation time in one of the smaller cities conveniently located near the local jungle o' doom.

After beaming down they set out to make friends with the locals. Chekov approached a likely looking Neonian who happened to be standing around.

"Hello", said Chekov.

"Hi." It appeared to Chekov that this whole "make friends with the locals" thing might be harder than he thought.

"What is eet you do down here?" At this the orange alien perked up.

"I study your human anatomy in hopes that I might one day be a doctor for your kind!" Chekov's buddy was getting excited.

"How ees that going for you?"

"Not so well. I can blow the meat _off_ you, but I can't stick back on. It's a work in progress. It's shame really, because I'm the only doctor this side of the planet", explained the alien man.

"Eh, well that's _wherry_ nice and I'm sure you'll have better luck. I really must be going now. Good-bye." Chekov then ran away- er, ran back to his group to see what they were doing.

It was at this point in time that Kirk announced "Hey, let's explore that jungle over there, it looks interesting."

An inhuman scream sounded from said jungle's depths.

First taking a moment to check his nails, McCoy said, "Sure, Jim." What the heck, he was bored anyway. And with that great start, they set off.

* * *

Their group had been separated early on, and Chekov had made sure he was separated with McCoy. He did not want to be in _this_ particular jungle without _his_ doctor.

A twig snapped.

Chekov leaped in front of McCoy, arms outspread and declared, "Don't worry, Doctor, I will protect you!"

"Of course, Chekov", said McCoy as he made a mental note to go over the Russian's psychological analysis once he got back to the ship.

After McCoy had persuaded Chekov that yes, he was perfectly fine walking, and that, no, he did not need to be carried, they continued walking through the jungle in search of Kirk, because they had somehow lost their communicators and therefore couldn't call the Enterprise to get beamed back up.

As they walked further into the unknown, they saw a large mire full of quicksand, and at the other end their communicators. "Well doesn't that beat all..." muttered McCoy.

"Don't worry, Doctor! I weel get our communicators!", exclaimed Chekov right before he ran out into the mire straight towards the quicksand.

This shocked McCoy so much that he could only stand there and mouth stuttering obscenities. He watched as Chekov finished wading through the quicksand to the communicators and pocketed them before running back through the quicksand!

"H-how, why?", McCoy questioned Chekov having regained some of his composure.

"Jist a moment, Doctor", said Chekov before he had them both beamed up.

* * *

"Where have you two been? I got back three hours ago." Kirk greeted them on the transporter pad. He paused to really look at them.

McCoy looked just the same as before they had gone to explore the jungle, Chekov on the other hand... He had a black eye and several small cuts on his face and hands and he was covered from his boots to his chest in goopy, wet sand.

"What happened to you?"

"The doctor hit me when I tried to carry him, so I cleared the way through the cactus patch insteed, Sir. There was also some quicksand, and did you know they don't have any doctors down there?" Chekov rattled on.

Kirk shook his head. "Forget it, Chekov."

"I wish I could", mumbled McCoy.


	15. Muse

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Muse

Lil' Spock looked incredulously at the bowl of "sustenance" in his hands and then up at me. "It is illogical to ingest reviews."

"Shut up and eat your dinner. I worked hard for those", my patience was wearing thin.

"No." He set the bowl down.

* * *

Spock was just coming of the lift from the bridge when he saw a young miniature of himself walk calmly past him and down the corridor. Only seconds later an irate female ran past, chasing after the small Spock.

The first officer's eyebrow made it's annual migration towards his hairline. He gave his head a little shake, "Illogical."

* * *

A/N: This one's for Yalana Cotu. Yes, I literally feed reviews to my muse, Lil' Spock.

Reviews will be fed to my muse. (He he!)


	16. Green

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Green

Spock walked down the streets of San Francisco. He was heading to see the display of Andorian pottery in a local museum.

Walking up the steps of the museum, he had reason to pause.

There was a female human (of the type McCoy most often referred to as a "dang teenager") pointing a manicured fingernail at him from a few yards away. She approached him, a strange expression on her face. Spock wondered what she would say.

"You're like a worm 'cause your blood's green."

"That is quite illogical as the worms native to this planet do not have green blood. I must assume that you were ignorant of this fact or are, to put it in terms you may understand, an idiot."

He then left the gaping female's company and entered the museum. He had pottery to look at.

* * *

A/N: This was written partially in protest and partially for Kamai6.


	17. Censored

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Censored

At first McCoy was surprised and shocked at the actions of natives. Then the surprise and shock turned to irritation and anger. "*Censored* it", he cried!

As the aliens native to this planet bound them and tied them to their respective poles, Spock couldn't help but observe, "I do not understand your desire to dam this situation. There is no waterway for such a barrier to be constructed. If there were, it might be imperative that we did not impede it. We could not possibly construct a dam because of a lack of supplies and the situation we are currently in. Furthermo- "

"Shut up, Spock! Now is _not_ the time!" McCoy was becoming increasingly worried as they were carried toward the bonfire.


	18. SAMPLE

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

SAMPLE

Spock studied at his desk while his roommate, Kirk, searched through their fridge. Kirk let out a triumphant "Yes!", indicating he had found something to eat.

Saddling up behind Spock, Kirk slurped away at what he had found in the fridge. He looked over the resident Vulcan's shoulder at what he was doing. Spock continued to study until he got a whiff of that delicious smell...

"Kirk, are you eating the Plomeek soup I specifically set aside for my own consumption?"

Gulping another mouthful of soup, Kirk answered, "Uh... Yes?"

Spock exhaled slowly. He did _not _sigh. Sighing was illogical.

* * *

The next day Spock gathered plant samples to conduct tests on.

Walking towards his preferred lab, he contemplated the problem Kirk presented. Kirk did not seem to understand that the food he placed in the refrigerator was his, and not Kirk's. What could he do to dissuade his illogical roommate from eating his food?

He fingered the samples. And just like that, it came to him.

* * *

Kirk had just gotten back from his last class for the day and was rummaging through the fridge.

He saw something interesting behind the ketchup... Reaching into the back of the fridge, he pulled out a small brown, paper bag. The bag was labeled "SAMPLE".

_Sample?_, Kirk thought. _Uh-uh, there's no way I'm eating that._

Snatching up his jacket from where he'd dropped it on the couch, Kirk walked out of the apartment. _I'm eating out tonight._


	19. The Word

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

The Word

"Blah... surrender... die... blah... antidisestablishmentarianism... blah." As the alien transmission ended, the bridge went silent as everyone considered what had been said.

Sulu and Chekov exchanged glances.

Kirk looked around the bridge before leaving his chair. He turned to Spock.

"Spock, what does... antidisestablish-thing mean?"

"I do not know, Captain." Spock looked a little ashamed.

Silence range out on the bridge.

* * *

A/N: I got a prompt from Holly Xavier-Diggory a while back asking that I use the word "antidisestablishmentarianism". I googled it and the definition I got was so contorted, I just couldn't understand it. So neither could they... =P


	20. Baaah!

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Baaah!

Ships and planets were left behind and soon forgotten. The entity drifted through space... Stars and black-wholes stole bits and pieces of _it_.

After hundreds of countless years, _it_ had come together as one whole and had alighted on a planet. _It _was hungry_._

The planet was lush and green. At first it appeared lifeless, but soon- "Baa-ah!" A life form! _It_ would feed!

"Die, you will die! Kill, kill, KILL!" The sheep gazed on, nonplussed. In a fit of rage, _it _took over the sheep. The wild-eyed, fierce looking sheep took off in search of other beings _it_ might be able to feed from.

"Bah! Baa-ah!" The enraged sheep screamed at the herd. It proved ineffective, as the sheep weren't scared and only moved away because of the noise. This continued all day as _it_ tried to stir fear up in the hearts of the sheep.

As the sun fell below the horizon, _it_ felt something new. Contentment.

Having found _it's_ new calling in life, Redjac the Sheepherder was born!


	21. Kirk Smirk

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

Reference: _The Man Trap_

* * *

Kirk Smirk

Spock considered the move Kirk had just made.

Eyebrows drawing together as he scanned the board, obviously "concerned."

"Checkmate, Spock." Kirk smirked; he had just beat his first officer at his own game. _Again._

* * *

Kirk made an offer to leave the lovebirds to themselves. "What? And let Plum examine me alone?" Nancy joked. Kirk was confused for a moment.

"Plum?", he asked.

As Nancy explained the nickname she'd given him, McCoy's face flushed with embarrassment.

Kirk chuckled to himself. _He'd have to tell Spock..._ Kirk smirked.

* * *

He'd been watching them all day.

Sulu and Chekov's heads had been shoved together whenever they thought he wasn't looking.

Whatever they were planning, he'd find out. And when he did, boy would they be in for a surprise.

As Sulu and Chekov whispered their plans, Kirk smirked.

* * *

The author looked over the text illuminated on the screen.

_Kirk smirked... Kirk smirked..._

If she used that phrase one more time, she'd have to get rights! "The Kirk Smirk", for example.

Laughing, Kirk smirked. _Oh wait._


	22. Flowers

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Flowers

It would be hard, but it was _necessary_. This issue had been eating at Chekov for too long. He had to say it. "Sulu?"

The helmsman turned towards him, his expression questioning.

"Flowers are wherry girl-y."


	23. Allergy

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

A/N: I've been thinking for a while now that Chekov must have reservations about Sulu's fondness for plants, so that's what the last tidbit was about. :P

* * *

Allergy

Morun sat in McCoy's office, talking rapid fire. The doctor leaned forward in his chair, intent on what the ensign was saying.

"I've never felt this way before. I just don't know how to explain it."

"Why don't you start at the beginning." McCoy leaned back, settling in for the story.

* * *

Morun had been eating his lunch in relative peace. His eyes wandered around the mess hall as he played absentmindedly with his food. And then he saw _her_.

He'd just taken a bite. Food caught in his throat. Fork clattering to the table, he stared in awe.

Her silky blond hair was caught up in a messy bun, while still regulation. Long lashes gently caressed the shape of her large, blue eyes.

Morun couldn't breathe. His hands were clammy, shaking a tad more than he liked.

She moved gracefully and with poise. Her long body bent elegantly as she seated herself at a table nearby.

His faced went red. He had to leave before he did something embarrassing.

Jumping from his seat, his tray fell to the floor with a loud crash. _Too late._

He flew out the door, heading to sickbay...

* * *

Morun grew quiet, having finished his story. They sat in silence, considering... "C-could I be in love?" Morun asked, eyes wide, face earnest.

The doctor started. "What was it you were eating, again?"

"Just a peanutbutter and jel-"

"Well, there you go. You're allergic to peanuts." McCoy interupted him. Pushing him out of the office he said, "Have a nice day", before the doors shut in Morun's face.

The young man, Ensign Seamus Morun, stood aghast outside McCoy's office door. "_What?_"

* * *

A/N: Credit for Morun's first name goes to Yalana Cotu.


	24. What's Aleing Ya?

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

Minor reference to _The Trouble with Tribbles._

* * *

What's Ale-ing Ya?

"Have a good day!" He closed the door in front of the startled ensign's face.

McCoy turned and practically collapsed in his chair. _Phew. That was a close one. I almost had to talk about... l-love. _He shuddered.

Needing something to keep his spirits up after his close encounter, McCoy leaned forward, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. Pulling open the bottom drawer of his desk, he shuffled aside the various pads and hypos.

He didn't find what he was looking for. "Where did I put that ale?" Grumbling, he left the office to check the cabinet where he kept the _legal_ drinks.

Nothing!

For almost an hour McCoy had walked a shallow groove into the floor from searching back and forth before he realized the ale wasn't to be found.

Nurse Chapel had been watching him scramble all over sickbay for a while now, and had been surprised to see him stop. "What are you looking for, Leonard?"

"My... ah, well... It's nothing", he fumbled. "Don't worry about it, Christine."

A disbelieving look from his head nurse later, McCoy was out the door.

Half running to security, he vowed to find his ale.

* * *

"Why that good for nothing, scotch-drinking, bagpipe-playing..." McCoy played the security feed again.

_Scotty, on his knees, rummaged through the desk until he found the Romulan ale. "Eh, it'll do."_

In a rage, the ship's CMO stormed off to find a certain chief engineer.

* * *

**In Scotty's Quarters...**

"Why'd you think you could just take what's not yours and everything would be fine?", McCoy hissed.

"I didna think you would mind. I only sneaked around 'cause nobody's suppose ta know ya have it", explained the Scotsman, his expression earnest. "There's some left if you want it." Scotty brought out the half-empty bottle.

"You bet I want it!" McCoy snatched the bottle from Scotty, only to have it slip from his fingers.

Both men watched with horror as the bottle fell. Frantically they tried to catch it. To no avail.

_Crash!_

They gazed at the pool of ale and shattered glass at their feet...

Scotty was stricken, as he only had that vodka, no, _milk_ to turn to now.

As for McCoy...

Nobody could talk to him for a week without getting their head bitten off!


	25. Squee!

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Squee!

He ran, dodging through the crowd. Some people gawked and wondered why a Vulcan would have to run anywhere... As he ran, Spock searched the faces of the crowd. 

_Yes,they hadn't caught up with him yet._

Despite his usual grace, Spock tripped. Scrambling to his feet, his scraped hands clenched in fists, his eyes were wide and filled with urgency. 

_He had to loose them!_

Running at full speed now, he could hear them coming behind him. Almost frantically, he turned a sharp corner only to find himself alone and at a dead end.

For a brief moment his face was filled with horror. Then they were upon him. Like a huge wave they crashed into the alley, backing him further into a corner.

The victorious fangirls squealed with delight. 

_They had caught him!_


	26. Kidding

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

Reference: _Metamorphosis_

* * *

Kidding

"Bones, what do you make of that?"

"Almost a symbiosis of some kind. A sort of joining." They both looked on at the interaction between the human male and alien female.

"Not exactly like a pet owner speaking to a beloved animal, would you say?"

"Hmm," McCoy considered. "No, it's more than that."

"Agreed... more like _love_."

Kirk glanced over at McCoy. The doctor's face twitched. Silence. McCoy started laughing.

"You almost had me there, Jim! I mean, really? _Love?_ You've gotta be kidding me!"

Kirk chuckled. It _had_ been a stretch...

* * *

A/N: I can see the script writer's conversation now...

_"So the cloud totally digs the guy. And at first he's just like 'Ew', but in the end they both fall in love." _

_The second writer decides to add his two cents," Yeah! And they guy has been totally oblivious to how the cloud feels for like a hundred years. It's so romantic..."_


	27. Mommy!

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

Reference: _The Trouble with Tribbles_

* * *

Mommy!

Jimmy was on the swing-set when he heard the other boys talking.

Monty and little Pavel were playing in the sandbox with Samuel Klingon. As he played, Samuel called their friend, Jimmy, names. He eyed the other children, wanting to see their reactions.

Little Pavel stood, his face scrunched up and with sand in his curls. He then turned to Samuel and said, "Don't call him that! You're being wery mean!" Having had his say, he plopped down on his seat and returned to digging in the sand.

This small display did not deter Samuel from his goal. He continued to call Jimmy names, but this only had the affect of making Pavel red in the face. Monty continued to ignore him.

Samuel changed tactics. Monty had a red wagon that he treasured above everything else... "The Enterprise smells funny. It smells like a garbage truck!"

During the following scuffle in which there was some shoving and even more name-calling, Jimmy got off the swing.

He ran from the playground, lips set in a pout. They wouldn't fight over him, but they would fight of the Enterprise? Tears streaming down his face, he called out-

"Mommy!"

* * *

A/N: Whenever I see the scene where Scotty explains to Kirk why he started the fight, I always think of this. Kirk is such a young boy at heart anyway. ^_^


	28. Recurring

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it. Or The Sound of Music. X)

* * *

Recurring

Kirk stood on the surface of a strange planet.

It was strange because the sky was blue instead of the usual pink or purple, he didn't know which planet it was, and it was _completely_ covered with posies. But none of this actually mattered because right in front of him was a Klingon.

The Klingon didn't seem to see Kirk, even though he was directly facing the Starfleet captain. This might have been because he was so caught up in his singing.

"The hills are alive and they're eating people!" The Klingon raised his arms in the air and flapped his hands dramatically. "Aah-a-a-aah!"

Once Kirk had recovered his faculties and while the Klingon pranced about, Kirk dropped to the ground. Hiding behind a convenient mound of posies he watched the Klingon. Needless to say, Kirk was on his guard.

"The hills are alive with the sound of my voice!" Here the Klingon threw back his head and belted out a horrific "Aah-a-a-AAH!"

Towards the last note, the Klingon had spotted Kirk. "Come! Dance with me, you pitiful human!" The Klingon's naturally deep voice only made the command more threatening.

Kirk was dragged from behind the posies. His arm caught in the vice-like grip of the Klingon, Kirk stained to get away.

"I won't dance with you!" cried Kirk.

"Then you must sing!"

* * *

The alarm clock went off. Sitting up in bed, Kirk put his head in his hands and sighed. Loudly.

_"Not again."_

* * *

A/N: This is partially for Kamai6, who wanted something about Klingon poetry. This was about as close as I could get without giving myself nightmares. This chapter was also based off a line from KLMeri's fic, Offerings on the Vine. I recommend that you read it. :)


	29. Choices

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Choices

Kirk laid the objects in question out on his bed.

"Should I wear my Gold Command Shirt or my Rank Has Its Privileges Wrap? I do like the wrap..." Kirk considered... "It's a little too casual for today."

Kirk set the green wrap-around shirt back down.

"I wonder if I should wear one of my Easy-Tear Shirts. Mmm... Probably not. They're a pain to replace..."

Kirk stood at the foot of his bed and leveled a hard stare at the remaining tops...

"Since I'm going with Gold Command, should I wear it Normal or with Red or Green Blood... or both?"

* * *

McCoy and Spock watched the doors to sickbay close behind Kirk's retreating form. McCoy turned to Spock. "I suppose I should change into my Surgery/Operation Shirt now."

McCoy walked into his office were he always kept fresh changes of clothes, just in case. From the confines of his office he called out, "Spock, you should probably change into your Tortured Torn and Bloodied Shirt before the Captain comes back."

From outside the office, Spock replied, "Indeed."


	30. Epiphany

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Epiphany

The minutes ticked by as the head of security gave his report. Staff meetings had never been so boring.

_Spock is all ears, of course, _McCoy thought before letting out a small chuckle. No one noticed.

Kirk was slowly nodding off as the old redshirt continued to drone on about a misplaced ladder. The whole time, McCoy ever so subtly doodled on his PADD.

As the head of security turned things over to Spock, McCoy had a sudden epiphany.

"It's so simple! Corn is a test of-" McCoy cut off his rambling as he noticed everyone's stares.

Spock was turned towards McCoy with the Vulcan equivalent of a glare set on his stony face. Almost roboticly, his eyebrow rose.

Kirk, who had been startled awake by McCoy's outburst, sat up and pretended to pay attention as Spock continued his report.

Sullenly McCoy turned back to his doodles.


	31. Logically, Of Course

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

"_Logic is a little tweeting bird, chirping in a meadow. Logic is wreath of pretty flowers that smell bad. Are you sure your circuits are registering correctly? Your ears are green!_"-Spock. _I,_ _Mudd_.

* * *

Logically, Of Course

Sarek gestured to the great expanse before him. "This is logic."

What Sarek meant by those words was that nature is logical. It has rules and it follows these rules. Nature never acts illogically.

Sarek was making a point.

Young Spock stood by his father's side, looking into the vast canyon bellow him. He saw a canyon filled with nothing but hot sand, desert air, and a flowering bush. Spock focused on the large bush as it stood out against the rest.

The bush belonged to a particular family of plants that smell like the Terran skunk. Flitting from one flower of the bush to the next was a small bird. The bird chirped erratically as it hopped about.

Sarek stood erect and as proud as any Vulcan as he surveyed the harsh beauty before him. Dwarfed by his father, Spock seemed to shrink a little as he considered his father's words._This is logic?_

Spock missed the point completely.


	32. Those Darn Interns!

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Those Darn Interns!

The _Enterprise_ rocked with the impact of the Romulan ship's fire. Kirk ordered return fire. Unfortunately they missed.

Spock reported that they're shields couldn't take another hit like the previous one. Lurching from his seat, Kirk sped to the lift. It was imperative he got to sickbay!

_Thud!_

Kirk picked himself off the floor from where he had fallen when he had hit the lift door. The lift door. Why hadn't the thing opened?

Banging on the door now, it finally hiss-squeaked open.

Waiting to arrive on sickbay's floor, inside the lift, Kirk shook his head.

Those interns were going to compromise the whole mission!

* * *

A/N: You've seen this before, I'm pretty sure. Or at least most of it. A lot of the time when a door wouldn't open on the _Enterprise_ it was because the intern working the pulleys had forgotten to, well you know, _open the door._ I think there's an old blooper clip on youtube that shows Shatner falling down after having walked into one of these closed doors. :D This chappy is for Kamai6 who wanted Kirk to walk into a wall...


	33. Fantasy

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

Reference: _A Piece Of The Action_

* * *

Fantasy

Late into the night, most people were asleep on board the _Enterprise_. But someone was awake, prowling the depths of the spaceship.

The red tinted light of engineering cast a shadow over the man's face.

Fedora tilted, the man hefted an imaginary "heater" and peered past a corner. He was going an a "hit" with some of the boys.

Shooting at the other gang's guys, he ran to the other side of the street. He needed to report to "Koik".

Watching carefully for any surprise attacks, Spocko made his move.


	34. Darwins

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

Reference: _The Naked Time_ (the most misleading episode title ever, by the way...)

* * *

"Darwins"

A shore party had been sent down to the planets surface to investigate after no one had answered the Enterprise's calls. What they found was shocking, and terrible.

Six bodies were scattered throughout the base. Frozen in place, displaying their last actions: a man showering fully clothed, a woman carelessly strangled, head engineer asleep at his post...

Spock being a member of the two man shore party received a transmission. Over the communicator Kirk asked, "What happened?"

Matter of fact and with no hesitation Spock replied, "From a logical perspective, stupidity."

* * *

A/N: Ever heard of the Darwin Awards? It's a sad type of hilarity. 'Nuf said.


	35. Noticed

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

_"You're allowed to notice her! The captain's not permitted!"_ Kirk to Spock, on Rand. _The Naked Time._

* * *

Noticed

Everything was normal on the bridge.

Sulu and Chekov were staring into space, literally. Both had nothing to do and their shift was almost over.

Kirk was relaxed, leaning back into his chair.

Uhura was monitoring all frequencies for the latest gossip.

Spock alert, as always, at his station. Waiting for his chance...

Hiss-squeak; the lift doors opened.

Yeoman Rand walked onto the bridge. She handed Kirk his coffee and a PADD to sign.

One signature and a muttered "thanks" from the captain later, Rand was heading back to the lift and her other duties when-

"Yeoman, may I have a word with you?" asked Spock. Nodding, Rand walked over to his station.

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, Rand finally left.

Everything was normal on the bridge.

Or it would have been if not for the stunned silence.

Or if Spock hadn't looked so pleased.

Or Kirk hadn't looked so unhappy.

No. It was probably just Spock's date for later that night.


	36. Slow

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Slow

One briefing and transporter beam later, Kirk, Spock, and McCoy were on the planet's surface. This planet showed signs of twentieth century technology, but readings said their were no intelligent lifeforms. Wondering what could be the cause of this, Kirk, Spock, and McCoy had beamed down.

The beamed into one of the larger buildings. Its plain corridors gave no indication of the buildings purpose.

"Scotty," Kirk spoke into his communicator, "where are we?"

"Ah don't know, Sir. Ah canna seem to pinpoint you."

Kirk sighed. "We'll figure something out."

"I'm sure you will sir."

* * *

Kirk ran as fast as he could, the sound of his feet striking the floor reverberated of the walls. Corridor after corridor he ran.

He'd gotten separated from the rest a while back.

Lungs burning, he had to stop. He collapsed against a wall, using it to stay upright.

He had to find Spock and McCoy before those... those _things_ caught up with him.

He'd only stopped for a minute when he heard the first moan.

Looking in the direction he had come, he could see it in the distance. Its slow, ambling gait filled him with dread even as its dead, white eyes filled him with horror.

The eyes that stared at him from a shrunken and peeling face were just that. Dead.

Gasping for breath, Kirk considered his options. He could try running, he could face that creature head on, or he could call Scotty and try to get beamed out.

The first option hadn't worked vary well so far.

Kirk could barely make out a trail of slime behind the creature... which seemed to be oozing from its head... He shuddered. Option two... just didn't feel right. So it was option three.

Pulling out his communicator, Kirk called Scotty.

"Can you get a pinpoint on my signal?"

"Nah' yet, Captain. Mista Spock an' I are workin' on it right now."

"Okay, Scotty. Hurry."

Kirk watched as the thing continued to slowly make its way towards him.

Now that it was slightly closer, Kirk could make out the fact that it was missing most its teeth and that the few it still had were widely spaced and covered in filth. In other words: disgusting.

He was sure its breath wouldn't be any better.

The communicator chirped and then Scotty said, "We got it, Sir!"

From several yards away the creature watched its prey disappeared into a shining gold light. With no other purpose, it continued its mindless walking.

* * *

McCoy was backed into a corner.

Eyes wide, head pressed against the wall. He had nowhere to run.

Briefly the thought crossed his mind that he really didn't want to be eaten by a corpse, but then he remembered he didn't want to be eaten at all.

McCoy closed his eyes and tried to block out the moaning.

One gold light later and the zombie had taken a bite out of nothing.

* * *

Later in sickbay...

"You got to me just in time or else I might be drooling in a corner right now wishing I had some brains to eat-"

Kirk cut him off. "What do you mean "just in time"? The zombie was like a mile away when I beamed out!"

Spock put in his two cents. "Indeed. The zombie I had encountered was approximately three point six five miles away when I constructed a signal for Scotty to pick up. Your zombie should not have been in as close a proximity as you have describe. I know you are "no spring chicken" by human standards, but I did not think you so old as not to be able to-"

"Who do you think you're callin' old?"

Spock's eyebrow went up. "I was merely stating-"

"Merely stating, _my foot!_ I'll show you!"

Kirk walked out of sickbay snickering quietly to himself.

McCoy would call him back to sickbay a little while later to make sure he hadn't gotten "infected" or anything, but in the meantime he could still try to get out of it.

As the sound of McCoy and Spock arguing began to fade, Kirk considered that as far as away missions go, this one hadn't turned out so bad.

* * *

A/N: Recently I read a zombie fic or two and absolutely loved them. The descriptions were so horrifying and fun at the same time and the plots and character thoughts were so randomly and ridiculously funny... I loved them. :D Then I thought about how Star trek would pull off zombies and realized they would have utterly failed at it.

_Kirk is trapped and awaits his horrible fate. The camera shows a zombie in the distance. Kirk is terrified and backed against a wall. The zombie is still where it was five minutes ago. Another five minutes pass before the zombie gets close enough for anything to happen. Unfortunately, three minutes into the wait you left to use the bathroom and consequently missed all the excitement._


	37. Snap

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

Warning: _Amok Time_

* * *

Snap

It'd been a long day and Kirk wanted to relax with some of his friends, so he headed over to Spock's room.

Walking through the door, Kirk saw Spock sitting at his desk studying something. Walking up behind him, Kirk was about to place a hand on Spock's shoulder when-

"Touch me and die."

Had he heard that correctly? That didn't sound like Spock...

Kirk came to the conclusion that yes, it was Spock when said half-Vulcan swiveled around and pinned him with a _look. _The type of look that just says, _touch me and die. _Yeah, how did he know these things?

"Spock are you okay? It hasn't been long enough for-"

"No, Captain. It is not _that._" Kirk added an internal _thank goodness. _

"I discovered a new poison today that is activated by skin contact. Unfortunately some of it spilled on me. The reason I am not dead right now is that the poison does not affect Vulcans."

Kirk was slightly taken aback by this quick explanation. "All the same, Spock. Shouldn't you be in sickbay?"

Kirk only got "The Eyebrow" as a response.

"Right... I'll just leave you to it then."

Kirk left Spock's room. Maybe he'd hang out with McCoy instead.


	38. Conspiracy

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it. I don't own _any _of the following. I'm serious.

* * *

Conspiracy

"Twinkies, cellphones, communicators after that, whale watching, telewision..."

On the outside McCoy was paying serious attention to the Russian's ranting.

On the inside McCoy would rather have been part of the shore party now underway, and that was saying something.

Chekov was now checking off his fingers. "... space, San Francisco, ice cream, English, the light bulb..."

In all honesty, the only reason McCoy was listening to him was because he had volunteered- been ordered- to spend some good personal time- babysit- Chekov while Sulu was detained planet-side.

Usually Sulu would be able to distract the young Russian from his listing, thereby maintaining the sanity and patience of all those in hearing distance.

"... bubble gum, x-rays, bagpipes, Harvard College, the Pilgrims..." Chekov had run out of fingers and now was just checking them off randomly.

However, Sulu was to busy being held on trial, trying to cheat death, and blah blah blah over a plant clipping.

_A clipping!_

That was just great, because it left McCoy in charge of getting Chekov to _shut up already!_ So far he had failed miserably, and even managed to set the navigator off on several different tangents _all at the same time!_

To say the least, McCoy was about ready to throw in the towel.

"... Harry Potter, money, the number zero, sliced bread, Romulan Ale, music..."

_Wait, what? That's going to far!_

Enraged, the doctor cut Chekov short. "You've got to be kidding me! You expect me to believe_ Romulan Ale _was invented in _Russia! _That's not even the right planet!

Chekov glanced around the rec room before leaning over the table and saying in a conspiratorial tone, "Yes. They stole it from us many years ago. No one knows about it because Starfleet hasn't told anyone. They don't want to create a panic. But we know, oh yes, we know."

Chekov was completely stone-faced and serious as he said all of this.

A strangled noise of disbelief escaped from McCoy's open mouth (his jaw had unhinged in his lap some time ago).

He couldn't take it anymore.

It was just too much!

McCoy fled the room, the eyes of its many inhabitants on his retreating back, including those of a certain confused navigator.

* * *

A/N: Interesting little tidbit, cellphones were originally based of communicators, hence my little reference._ "...cellphones, communicators after that..."_


	39. Fight! Fight!

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Fight! Fight!

Kirk watched the fight going on for a little while after it started, then he turned around and got out his communicator.

"Enterprise, this is Kirk."

"This is the Enterprise. Yes, Captain?"

"Put Doctor McCoy on."

While he waited, Kirk turned back and watched the fight. The sound and sight of a hard punch meeting flesh made Kirk flinch. _That'll hurt in the morning._

"McCoy here. What is it?"

"How do you feel about spending some good personal time with our resident Russian?"

"Why can't Sulu?"

"He's busy at the moment," Kirk said as he continued to watch the fight. _Ooh. Hit him again!_

"Nu-uh. I refuse. You can't make me."

"Yes I can." Some grumbling from the other end made Kirk smile.

"_Fine,_" McCoy bit out. "How long?"

Kirk was still smiling as he told McCoy, "You know, just watching a fight and not being an actual part of it is sort of refreshing. I could do this all day!"

"How long, _Jim?_" McCoy ground out the words over the communicator.

"A few hours. Maybe a day at tops."

"A day? _What? Do you expect me to babysit him-" _Kirk flipped his communicator shut, effectively cutting of McCoy and the link.

Grinning, he pumped his fist in the air.

"Come on, Sulu! _Go for the eyes!_"


	40. Spock Socks

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Spock Socks

Spock looked hard at his captors for the simple reason that Vulcans don't glare.

No, really. As it was, if Spock's "look" had been a phaser it would have been set to "kill."

Now you may be wondering what I meant about captors. You see, Spock was being held captive against his will. Of course.

Tied to a small chair, his knees jutting into his chin, Spock continued to not-glare at the many occupants of the small, dark room he was tied in.

Abrubtly, one of them turned on the light.

Spock could now clearly see his captors and the room. He wished he couldn't.

Plastered over every surface of the room were pictures of the _Enterprise_, its crew, himself, Leonard Nimoy, and the obviously new and just plastered on pictures of Zachary Quinto. This in its self was creepy and horrifying enough, but the fangirls were even worse.

Oh, I almost forgot to mention them.

They scared Spock the most (though he would deny it if he ever managed to escaped). Most of them weren't very physically imposing, it was their faces.

No they weren't horrifyingly ugly, it was just the _expressions_ on their faces.

Adoration, love, lust (Spock shuddered), _obsession._

They had captured Spock and he didn't know what they wanted with him. Okay, so maybe he had an idea...

"Krissy, where'd you get that chair? It's way too small." _They are capable of speech. Fascinating. Perhaps they posess some intelligence._

"Oh, I got it from work. The little dears won't mind."

_The whole species is lacking if they put children in these creature's care. Human's are so illogical. _Spock heaved a mental sigh.

No he didn't, because Vulcans don't sigh. I forgot about that. Silly me.

The fangirls, including Krissy (currently employed at a daycare, who loves her job, but if you did hear about any job openings at Starfleet please notify her-), turned their attention back to Spock. _This is not good. _

Krissy spoke. "Now acting as spokeswoman for everyone here, there are some things that need to be said before I begin. First of all: Spock_, _you rock our socks! Spock socks that is! Second: your hair is soooo perfect and dark and you're so tall and alienly handsome. Third: we love everything about you and could you please introduce us to your parents?"

Another fangirl cut in. "Yeah! Your dad is so ho-"

"Shut up, Angeline!" Krissy hissed and attempted to claw out Angeline's eyes. "_Blasphemy!" _

The other fangirls (there were quite a lot of them) crowded around the catfight yelled advice and encouragement. Spock made his bid for escape.

Shuffling his feet, he managed to scoot the small chair around the crowd and toward the door. Using his chin to pull down on the doorknob (his chin hurt quite a lot after banging his knees into it while shuffling), the door opened from the other side before he could do it himself.

Standing in the doorway was a middle-aged man in shirt and tie. He looked at Spock, the fighting fangirls, and the posters in confusion. "What are you doing in the janitors closet?"

Then it hit Gary (middle-aged man in shirt and tie).

"Spock! Is it really true that Vulcans pur?"

Dropping his head in defeat, Spock was in a great deal of pain. Not only had he just bruised his chin even more, but the catfight was hurting his ears and giving him a headache.

There was no way he was getting out of this alive.

* * *

A/N: I feel like such a sicko torturing Spock like this. This isn't my usual style and I don't know what brought this on. Actually I do. This chapter is dedicated to J0j2 who's awesome reviews inspired this sick creation.

_"Gran- er, Shadow, what a strange mind you have." "All the better to create CRACK WITH! Mwhahahaha!"_

-Shadow


	41. The Trouble With

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

The Trouble With...

Boys

The two little boys played in the sandbox, building small and large piles of sand and in some cases trying to eat the sand.

That was mostly Pavel though.

Despite that little bit of rule breaking, neither of them were throwing any sand. That was just wrong and mommy said not to do it.

When Pavel's mother, Mrs. Chekov, saw that he was trying to sneak some more of the sand she hurried over to him and picked him up, loosing his grasp on the fine play material.

His face, mostly around the mouth, already had a good coating of sand, clearly indicating the toddler had eaten some before she could stop him.

"Pavel must not eat sand. It's wery bad for him."

Little Pavel ignored what his mother was saying. Instead he merely looked up at her, his eyes wide, and doing his best kicked-puppy impersonation.

Then a bulge in his little left pants pocket cooed.

Mrs. Chekov gave in and let the little Russian off easy.

Walking back to the lawn chairs where Mrs. Kirk was sitting, she made her good-byes and thanked the other mother for the wonderful play-date.

From the sandbox Jimmy had taken the whole scene in. What a strange noise his friend's pocket had made. He was still wondering about it when his mother brought him inside.

Later that day, Jimmy found a fluffy ball. Pavel must have forgotten it after the play-date.

It cooed adorably up at him.

Holding the small creature in his chubby, toddler hands, Jimmy had an idea.

* * *

Sitting in the shopping cart, Jimmy enjoyed rolling through the grocery store.

His mother pushed the cart down the produce aisle and stopped near the lettuce and spinach. Picking up some of both, she compared them to each other.

Jimmy looked away in disgust.

He caught sight of someone else standing in the aisle.

The boy was pale and had black hair and strange, pointed ears. Jimmy thought he looked really cool.

Something behind the other boy caught his eye.

* * *

"Nana, nana!"

Spock jerked his head towards the cry.

A hassled mother was standing by the spinach (highly superior to lettuce) trying to quiet the toddler who had just broken the relative peace of the grocery store.

The woman wheeled her cart over to the bananas. One hand on the cart handle in the other hand her shopping list, she told her son "no."

Spock watch, fascinated, as the child started pouting.

One big crocodile tear found its way down his chubby cheek.

Then his pants pocket cooed.

The women gave in and put a bunch of bananas in the cart.

Taking this in, Spock failed to notice his mother's approach.

"Spock? Spo- oh there you are!" Amanda rushed around the aisle corner. Putting her hands on his shoulders, she did a quick inspection. "Thank goodness you're okay. Why did you wander off, Spock? I might not have found you!"

Something in Spock's tender, young heart wanted to embrace his mother, but his more logical brain won over.

He did not want to face the consequences of becoming lost, so he thought fast. "Coo?"

The corner of Amanda's mouth quirked. Her sharp eyes quickly search for strange bumps on her son's head, found none, then she smiled. "Come on, we're running late."

From the shopping cart wheeling in the opposite direction from the retreating backs of an adult human and child Vulcan, Jimmy grinned.

* * *

Spock and Leonard sat together eating their lunch.

They were brought together by their mutual love (in Spock's case, affinity) for being right, which usually led to them being shunned during recess and sought out before tests. Such is the way the world works.

Today while Leonard picked apart his turkey sandwich and Spock idly toyed with his salad, they were discussing one of earths greatest mysteries. Namely: the workings of a woman's mind.

"It produced a similar affect on my own mother; it is quite a remarkable phenomena."

"You're sayin' that if I went up to that girl over their and "cooed" at 'er, that she'd like me or somethin'?"

"While I stated it differently, that is essentially correct."

Leonard plopped his sandwich down on the table and stood up. "Let's see if this really works."

Spotting his first vict- test subject, Leonard walked nonchalantly up to Susie, the cutest girl in his grade. Spock carefully observed the test from the lunch table.

Leonard tapped Susie's shoulder. She turned around.

"Le coo." _Girls like French, right? I hope that ain't cheatin'... Ah, well. What Spock don't know won't hurt 'im._

"Lenny?"

"Do ya like me?" He looked really earnest and leaned forward, intent on the answer.

She sized him up. _Well... He's wierd, but he _is _sorta cute..._

"Sure, but I'm not kissing you."

"Blech!" he recoiled, "I don't want ya to; you've got cooties." He stuck his tongue out, disgusted.

From his seat at the lunch table, Spock tallied the score. Coo- three. Girls- none.

* * *

A/N: This one goes out to 1kiko who wanted a little Bones, Kirk, and Spock scene. I alllllmost got it. This still counts though, right? Review and let me know what you thought. Coo. :)


	42. The Fourth

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

Reference: some ST movie. I'm not sure which one...

* * *

The Fourth

Kirk strode into the bridge. Ordering the night shift off, he was left alone in the dim room. He purposely walked at a calm pace toward the viewing screen. _They_ must not get suspicious.

He'd been hearing _them_ for weeks now. He would be on the bridge ordering phaser fire, talking to Spock and McCoy, signing PADDs, sitting in his chair, when the whispers came. At first he'd put it down to Uhura's earpiece being too loud, but he soon came to the realization that the voices weren't coming from the earpiece or even the communications station.

Kirk was convinced he was not crazy, as McCoy would have noticed it by now. Someone, or someones, was watching him.

He stopped directly in front of the viewing screen and began his task.

Ten minutes later, the screen fell through the wall. Kirk's jaw dropped and the screwdriver left his hand, clattering on the floor.

_There are so many..._

Silence prevailed.

Kirk's eyes shifted, taking everything in. Then he let out a nervous laugh. "Wow. There sure are a lot of you... I guess I should put the screen back up now?"

They nodded emphatically.

Kirk swallowed uncomfortably. _I should leave the wall-breaking to Scotty next time..._


	43. It's Monday

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

It's Monday

"I'm so gangsta my pants sag."

"I'm so gangsta I don't wear pants."

"Ooh. You got me there." Sulu accepted his defeat.

Uhura looked smug.

"That was inwented in Russia."

"I'm afraid it was the Scots who did that, Lad" Scotty corrected Chekov.

Before the mild one-up-ing could lead to an argument the lift doors hiss-squeaked open, and Spock walked onto the bridge.

It was actually more of a shuffle than a walk.

"Another late night in the lab, Spock?" Sulu inquired. Spock had been working on a delicate, if not crucial, experiment for the past two weeks.

Spock grunted. His hair stuck up in multiple directions, like it had been caught by surprise with a combination of sea water and hair gel. There were deep green rings around his eyes. He looked terrible. Even his uniform was creased, like he had been wearing it for the past few days- and nights.

Chekov tried to be helpful. "I'm sure you weel find eet, Sir."

Spock didn't respond this time; he just slouched over to his station, then he slumped into his chair.

"If I read my Spock right, that would mean "no." From the looks of it, Scotty was right.

Turning their attention away from the unfortunate Vulcan with his overactive mind, they returned to the matter at hand.

"Do you think anything exciting will happen before lunch? My shift ends then."

"Sulu, it's Monday." Uhura shook her head, then walked up the steps back to her station.

"Oh," Chekov muttered disappointingly.

"Aye, Lad," Scotty agreed.

Spock's elbow slipped on his station sending his head on a direct one-way trip to said station. The resounding "Thunk!" was very impressive.

Uhura briefly tsked the purring Vulcan (he was drooling on the instruments) before turning back to her work, looking bored.

Hiss-squeak. Kirk twitched onto the bridge, in his jittery hand a scalding cup of coffee. "Wha'd I miss?"

Various voices called out "nothing" and "the usual".

Looking disappointed, Kirk plopped down on his chair -boy he loved his chair- and set about whipping his head every which way and twitching at random intervals.

Chekov cast his eyes heavenward (or as heavenward as you could get in space) and hoped Tuesday would come faster. Even after a week and a half of inactivity, Mondays were still the worst.

* * *

A/N: You know there are just some days... Mondays... You know what I mean. *sighs* I apologize for OOC-ness.


	44. A Classic

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it. Or... I'll tell you later...

* * *

A Classic

Contrary to popular belief, McCoy did loosen up and relax from his usual snarky mind frame every once in a while. In a long while, mind you.

Usually when he relaxed he'd do it over a drink with the captain or one of his other friends. He'd also go on shore-leaves, play cards, and bicker (among other things). That's just how McCoy worked.

On this particular occasion he was relaxing over a movie with his captain, Kirk, and the "hobgoblin", Spock. They were trying to persuade Spock as to the pure awesomeness of a certain twenty-first century children's show.

According to McCoy, it was a classic (he used to watch it with his daughter).

According to Kirk, it was the best children's show that ever was (he'd watched it as a child).

According to Spock, it was highly illogical.

Bears did no go around wearing shirts, talking to rabbits and owls and tigers, and they certainly didn't _talk._ To portray a bear as doing any of these things was illogical.

(That isn't to say he didn't feel a strange kinship with Christopher Robin, who also owned and loved a and large, potentially dangerous animal as a pet in his youth. Spock wondered if he would later obtain a copy of Winnie the Pooh's adventures at some later time, preferably when McCoy and Kirk didn't know about it.)

At any rate, they'd eventually gotten Spock to stop protesting enough to _sit down and watch the movie!_

Both McCoy and Kirk were thoroughly enjoying themselves and Spock hadn't made any outward signs of complete disgust at the last highly illogical and emotional scene.

They deemed the the night a success.

* * *

A/N: The only reason I even thought of this at all is because I've recently been thinking about _The Wolf in the Fold_. It's an awesome episode and one of the actors who played the character Mr. Hengist and voiced the bady, Redjac or Jack the Ripper, also voiced a character from Winnie the Pooh. Take a guess... Piglet. Betcha didn't know that. (No, I don't own Winnie the Pooh. I bet you didn't know that either.)


	45. Couple

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Couple

Amanda stood in the doorway, waiting as her husband walked up the path to their house.

Sarek stopped on the first step, the corners of his eyes and mouth barely crinkled. A Vulcan smile. Spock hadn't gotten those expressive- human- eyes from his mother.

Amanda stepped outside the doorway and sidled up to Sarek on the step. They're lips met.

They broke apart when they realized they were being watched.

Standing in the door Amanda had left ajar, were two children. One approximately nine years old and the other three.

The children had watched Amanda and Sarek's kiss with utter- rude- fascination.

Sarek raised his eyebrow at the two boys, questioning their actions (his would not be questioned by them).

Amanda merely laughed at Sybok's curiosity and Spock's young indifference.

She turned back to Sarek, a teasing smile on her face. "They get it from your side."

* * *

A/N: Does this make me a shipper? It was admittedly fun to write for the romance genre. I've never done it before, so let me know how I did, hm?

This one goes to Dedicatedfollower467, who wanted something Sarek/Amanda oriented. Also, I finally got the child ages right! Memory Alpha puts Spock's birth six years after Sybok's.


	46. Feeding

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

Reference: _The Trouble with Tribbles_

* * *

Feeding

What? They're going to starve me? How's that fair? It's not like I can help my natural instincts!

Yeah, so I eat a lot and reproduce like and hare. That's what I'm supposed to do!

I want to yell my protests at this unfair treatment. I need food like any other living creature, possibly more. Yet they have the nerve to say I shouldn't get any!

_I can't help that I have a lot of babies! I was born pregnant, dang it!_

I briefly curse my lack of ability to make any sound other than a coo or soft trill.

I really, _really,_ feel like screaming right now.

Someone stroked my fur. I cooed.

Once again, my own body betrays me.

_Why?_


	47. Luck

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

References: _The Naked Time_, Quote III, and Epiphany. This thing's been stretched out for about forty chapters in my head. Time I put it to rest...

* * *

_**What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?**_

Luck

Riley was walking up to the bridge when he was stopped by a large, red engineering ladder standing in the middle of the hall. At first he was puzzled as to why the ladder was there, but then he saw the clover under it. A four-leafed clover.

Not thinking of the consequences, Riley snatched it up and continued on his way.

As Riley walked back to his quarters later that night, his thoughts were in a jumble. He'd come to his sense earlier to find himself in engineering, the ship heading towards certain doom.

It felt like it had all been his fault, he was the one who messed with the ship's controls after all.

Of course, he'd almost gotten everything he wanted. Extra ice cream, captaincy, a captive audience for his singing, a ball, and prettier girls. That just made it worse. The almost part.

The next morning, someone finally reported the missing ladder and it was returned to engineering.

Riley threw out the clover.

* * *

A/N: For those of you who wondered what was with the missing ladder in Epiphany, this is it. Doesn't make much sense, I know. I wanted to turn this chapter into some great thing, but it took forever so I just posted this. *siiiiiiiigh* Oh well, at least the bunny has been put to rest! (The bunny had to die at some point.) Please leave a review to commemorate the deceased plot bunny. :)


	48. Commemorate

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

A/N: This one is for those who wrote such wonderful reviews last chapter, and of course for my now deceased plot bunny.

Servant05 and Mrspencil, I salute you.

* * *

Commemorate

A meek knock on the door to his quarters woke Kirk.

When he answered the door, in his ruffled state, he met the sight of a tearful Chekov. The navigator had been sent to Kirk to tell him of the news. The news that the science department's mascot, Mr. Bunny, had died and that they wanted Kirk to officiate over the services.

Somewhat exasperated, Kirk ran a hand through his hair.

Standing in the doorway, looking lost, Chekov sniffled. Kirk gave in.

What else was he supposed to do?

* * *

At the funeral, Spock spoke first. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have gathered here today to memorialize this good creature..." Spock spoke slowly and reverently about how Bunny had lived a good life and would be sorely missed by all the crew aboard. He ended, "Rest in peace, Mr. Bunny."

Tears were shed.

Kirk walked by Spock on the way to the stand. They nodded as they passed each other.

Kirk stood at the podium and placed his palms on the edge. He looked out over everyone gathered.

"Risk is our business. That is what the _Enterprise_ is all about, and that's why we're here. To take risks. When Bunny first came aboard this ship, he didn't know how dangerous it would be. The first time something tried to eat him, Bunny was afraid. But that didn't stop him! He knew then why he was here: to take risks! To go out and face the unknown, to go where no man or rabbit has gone before. Today, we should all be proud of Bunny. He has survived longer than all the others and, indeed, he has become a part of us. Let us all remember Bunny and what he meant to us, and to humanity."

Kirk turned to the small casket. "Bunny, I salute you." And he did. Then turning back to those gathered, he said, "Amen."

Kirk walked by several rows of crying and sniffling people, all inspired by what he had said. When he reached the back row, he sat down with McCoy. They both watched the rest of the proceedings.

Eventually Chekov came to the stand, stone faced and with moist eyes. "I wrote a poem about Mr. Bunny once. Now I weel share it weeth you."

"Quiet and calm with his slender long ears.

His patient understanding can drive you to tears."

Hicup.

"Pink nose, white fur, and whiskers to boot,

He's not only a friend, but really quite cute."

Sniff.

"He's brave, loyal, courageous, it's true,

Mister Bunny, a good friend really is you."

Chekov ran from the room, the doors hiss-squeaking behind him.

A few puzzled mourners turned their heads to follow his escape, but their attention was recaptured when Spock returned to the stand.

"Thank you all for coming and sharing this special time with us, as we remember our great..." Spock had to force the word out, "_friend_, Mr. Bunny. Refreshments will be served in recreation room three."

* * *

Once again in his quarters, Kirk quickly exchanged his dress uniform with his usual attire.

He sat down at his desk for a few moments, fingering at the carrot and celery sticks he had picked up after the funeral.

He leaned back in his chair, considering what had been said.

He started laughing and didn't stop until he was red in the face and couldn't breath. Then he said after a few recovering gasps, "Amen, brother. Amen."

* * *

A/N: I'm laughing my head off... 


	49. Paperwork

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

Homework, paperwork. What's the difference?

* * *

Paperwork

Kirk stared dejectedly at the clutter on his desk. It had overflowed and was encroaching on his bed, wardrobe, and even his bathroom. It had to end.

Giving up, Kirk started to read and sign all the reports scattered over his room. Once he was done with _that_, he would have to write his _own_ reports.

The disaster/paperwork ratio was _way_ off.

Somewhere a god-like space identity was pointing and laughing at the unfortunate captain.


	50. Real

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Real

Ensign Morun had been let out of sickbay with a semi-clean bill of health. He supposed that was all he could hope for, really.

He'd been let off duty for a week, so he decided to catch up on some sleep first. He'd get dinner when he was feeling better.

Upon reaching his quarters, the redshirt staunchly ignored the hallucinations caused by the combination of McCoy's prescribed medicine and whatever poison he'd been hit with on the planet.

The giant mushrooms growing on his carpet and walls were easily ignored.

Morun briefly thought the giant, deadly looking spider was interesting before he flopped face first into bed.

Morun had gotten it partially wrong however. The creature wasn't a spider; it had ten legs and was something else all together. He did get it right on deadly, though.

He would realize his mistake when he woke up.

* * *

A/N: Redshift torture is fun. :)


	51. Despair

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Despair

Sally slid into a seat next to Joe at the bar. Sally ordered her drink, then turned to Joe. "You looked depressed."

Joe simply nodded and continued to nurse his beer, hunched in his seat.

"What's up? I heard you got transferred."

Joe nodded. "_Enterprise_."

Sally turned back to face the bar, not wanting Joe to see her expression. "_Oh._"

Joe nodded. "Yep."

"Maybe you can do a quick career change, switch to science?" No response. "What are you gonna do then?"

Joe's briefly glanced at Sally's face. "I was hoping for alcohol poisoning."

Sally frowned. "They can cure that. You'll need something more exotic."

"Can't. Not enough time. Too hard to get."

"Oh."

They sat in resigned silence for a few moments.

The sound of people leaving and entering the bar, glasses clinking together, and people's laughter seemed vastly inappropriate.

Joe checked his watch. "I'm gonna be late for therapy."

Confused, Sally asked, "Therapy?"

"Yep. 'Fleet signed me up for it when they transferred me."

Sally frowned into her empty glass and ordered another. "When do you leave?"

"For therapy or..."

"Both." She tried to keep the despair out of her voice. Joe looked even more depressed and slouched further in his seat.

"I leave for therapy in about five and I leave for..." Joe took a long drink from his glass. "In the morning."

More silence as they drank.

"I'll tell your family for you," Sally offered.

"Thanks." Then Joe got up and left the bar.

Sally continued drinking.

* * *

A/N: Being a redshirt stinks. You already knew that though. 


	52. Fate

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Fate

During the routine investigation planet-side, no one let their guard down. Everyone was twitchy. Everyone was constantly looking over their shoulders.

They were still this way when the beamed back to the ship. They all filed into sickbay, checking for everything between hangnails and viruses.

When nothing was found, they still weren't convinced. But when by the end of the week nothing still had happened, they finally breathed a sigh of relief.

They gathered and celebrated their good fortune. Everyone was relieved and everyone smiled.

They were still smiling when the ship shook. The party stopped as everyone ran to their stations.

It turned out to be nothing, just some turbulence. Everyone smiled again, although they didn't go back to the party.

No use tempting fate, but they were happy all the same.

* * *

A/N: Veteran's Day. Sand n' Sable asked for something to honor those who died in service and those still alive. I don't really feel adequate to write something like that. I couldn't do it justice. All the same, I wrote this chapter.


	53. Coverup

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Cover-up

Joe sat with all the other unfortunates in a circle, with the inappropriately happy therapist at the head of it. Not that circles have heads.

He stopped that train of thought, knowing he was already losing _it_...

It wasn't a one-on-one therapy session, there were too many people assigned _there_ to actually have individual sessions.

He was resigned to his fate; his family had been informed, there was nothing he could do.

Sitting ramrod straight in his chair, arms folded across his chest, Joe listened to the therapist.

"There are a lot of new comers to our group today, so I'm going to explain what we do here. My goal is to help you all adjust and to make sure you're all ok. If you have _any_ problems, you can come to me." She smiled. Joe jerked his chin a bit, nodding.

"We also have a special pledge to help us all cope." The therapist went on to explain it. "...pledge to live life to its fullest... like there is no tomorrow... pledge to not listen to or participate in unpleasant rumors... to help others in this situation..."

Joe didn't move, but inside his thoughts were racing by at warp six. Unpleasant rumors?

What did "unpleasant rumors" have to do with anything? Everyone knew that people on _that_ ship in engineering or security- _redshirts-_ were the first to _go_... in more ways than one... But rumors?

He wasn't supposed to participate in rumors, hear or spread them.

So he was supposed to _ignore _the hushed whispers.

He was supposed to let others go to their doom without knowing it, unaware, carefree...

He didn't know her name, it didn't matter... Maybe she only acted happy to avoid getting depressed, making _them_ depressed...

Maybe his therapist had her own therapist?

Joe took the pledge, repeating after the therapist.

He never intended to keep the pledge, though.

After all, it wasn't like anyone else would. Did.

* * *

A/N: The result of the thought _"Starfleet would try to keep the whole 'redshirts die horrible, painful deaths' thing under wraps, right?"_


	54. The Talk

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

References: _Amok Time_ and _Charlie X_.

* * *

"The Talk"

"Spock, what's going on?"

"It has to do with biology."

"Biology?"

"Yes. Vul-"

"You know I failed that class in high school, right?"

* * *

"It has to do with biology."

"What type of... biology?"

"Vulcan... biology."

"Eww..."

* * *

"Vulcan biology."

"Okay..."

"Reproductive biology..."

"..."

"Captain?"

"Listen, Spock. I just can't have this talk with you."

"Sir?"

"I tried to explain it to Charlie, but... Listen, why don't you go talk to Bones. He's way better at this than I am. I mean, he's probably already told his daughter all this stuff before, so... You know?"

"..."

"Spock?"

* * *

"Reproductive biology."

"Well, _everyone_- er, thing does it. I mean..."

"Yes, Captain?"

_"The birds do it, the bees do it. The monkeys in the trees do it..."_

* * *

A/N: I need to get more sleep... Awkward!Spock and Awkward!Kirk are so fun to mess with. :D


	55. The Talk?

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

References: _Amok Time_.

* * *

The... Talk?

Spock walked into McCoy's office, not bothering to announce himself.

McCoy jerked up from his impromptu nap and snapped at the intruding Vulcan.

"What do you want?"

Spock's answer was a little late coming, and McCoy could have sworn the Vulcan had fidgeted.

"The Captain referred me to you about a certain... subject. He said you were more knowledgeable and had more experience explaining the matter."

This time it was McCoy's turn to fidget. _This can't be good..._

"What is it about, Spock?"

"Vulcan... reproductive biology."

McCoy's eyes almost popped out of their sockets and his jaw made a peculiar sound when it hit the floor. No doubt it would be bruised.

"That ignoramus of an inconsiderate idiot thinks he can..." McCoy rattled on about Kirk for several minutes, throwing in an expletive to spice it up every now and then.

Spock stood awkwardly in front of McCoy's desk, wishing someone would just _explain_ what was going on. The humans were acting stranger than usual...

Finally, McCoy calmed down. Running a hand through his hair, McCoy said wearily, "Listen, Spock. I don't know what Kirk told you, but whatever he said was wrong."

Then McCoy continued on to explain _it._

Halfway through the lecture, Spock walked out of McCoy's office saying something along the lines of "I'd rather die than listen to any more of this", only more Vulcan-y.

True to his word, Spock died four days later.

Fortunately, they were able to bring him back to life and continue their adventures in space.

* * *

A/N: You know this would have been a much easier way to handle the whole pon farr fiasco. Reviews will heal Spock's horrible scarred mind, as bleach just won't erase those images.


	56. It Looks Like Turkey

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

Reference: _Charlie X_. (Watch the episode if you want this to make any sense.)

A/N: I know a lot of you have been reading these chapters and going "huh?" I sincerely apologize. This is probably one of those chapters. Nevertheless, enjoy. And have a happy Thanksgiving. :)

* * *

It Looks Like Turkey...

The crew was high strung, waiting for the other shoe to drop. The kid was just plain _weird_. And weird was never a good sign.

However, despite the crew's misgivings, they still had to eat.

Those who decided to eat of course went to the mess halls. When they got to the mess halls they discovered something else that was weird. The food was exactly what it was supposed to be, not some bad, replicated copy.

That was not a good sign.

But a large majority of the crew was used to ignoring signs (evident by the high redshirt death rates), so they ate the food anyway. They knew better than to look a gift (real) horse (turkey) in the mouth (gullet).

So they ate. And ate. And ate. It was good turkey.

When the portion of the crew who ate the turkey made it back to their quarters (some didn't, that kid was _weird_) they experienced a strange sensation in their stomachs. Like something had _changed._ Many promptly lost their lunches. In some cases, dinners.

Suspecting poison, the vomit was sent to lab six. It was discovered that the turkey had indeed been replicated.

They had been right!

Finally having the proof they needed to get the replicators replaced (hopefully with something that actually made the food _taste_ good), the crew let out a vomit scented sigh.

They were also happy to hear that the kid had finally left the ship (they didn't ask how).

He had been _weird_.


	57. Regret

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

A/N: This is for a prompt I got a while back from Kamai6: McCoy gets drunk and does something he will regret... Enjoy!

* * *

Regret

Walking onto the observation deck, Spock knew he wasn't alone.

He was proven correct when someone threw themselves at his person, invading quite nicely his personal space.

Spock was about to Vulcan nerve pinch the poor fool when he identified the being who clung onto him in the dim light.

"Doctor McCoy, please remove yourself from my person."

The doctor only tightened his grip around Spock's torso and threw his head back, looking up at the Vulcan.

"I did-ent know ya had a pers-un, Sp'k," McCoy slurred up at him, carefully working his way around the harder words.

For a moment Spock only stood there processing the situation as McCoy slowly lost his grip on Spock and descended towards the floor. Noticing McCoy's predicament, Spock shook his head.

"I shall take you back to your quarters", Spock decided out loud.

McCoy merely grinned and said into Spock's spleen, or possibly liver, "I luv ya, man." The tail end of his sentence had been muffled when his head had rolled forward, planting his face in the side of Spock's shirt.

Once again, Spock only shook his head. Then he proceeded to hoist up the falling doctor, placing and arm around his waist and a hand on his upper arm to keep him upright.

They slowly made their way out of the dark observation deck and out into the hall.

For a brief moment Spock was glad it was late so no one would see their predicament, but then he remembered that he hadn't gotten to meditate like he had wanted and now he needed to more than ever.

He shoved the feeling aside to make plans for the next day, and to concentrate on keeping the drunken human from toppling over.

There would be consequences...

* * *

"Dang hobgoblin did this on purpose", McCoy muttered, elbow deep in Spock's guts.

"Take one night off to have a little fun..." McCoy grunted at the nurse for another transfusion, because the vengeful son of a gun was pouring blood onto the operation table like the leaky facet in sickbay's only bathroom.

"Can't believe I have to deal with this and a hangover..." McCoy rummaged around a bit and scowl firmly planted on his face, then his eyes grew wide with surprise.

"Who put his liver _there_ of all places?"


	58. Discovery

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Discovery

Kirk sat at his desk, his eyelids drooping and his head held up on his fist, bored.

He was supposed to be filling out reports, but you could only do so much of that before you went slowly insane or got bored.

Kirk had chosen bored.

Now he just needed some way to overcome his boredom. Hopefully this "way" wouldn't be life-threatening and include some poor member of security dying.

Resigned to his current fate, he began to browse on the computer in front of him.

After selecting an innocent enough link, Kirk's head shot up. His eyes alight with curiosity and excitement, he grinned in anticipation.

Thirty minutes later Kirk had read his first fanfiction.

Ten minutes after that he was running from the room after discovering what "slash" was.

He couldn't so much as look at McCoy or Spock (it had been a threesome) for a week afterward.

He almost had a heart-attack when Spock admitted to having feelings toward him...

* * *

When Spock found the site he finally understood why Kirk had acted so... upset when he admitted his feelings of friendship, realizing what it must have looked like at first.

Quickly afterward he had the site blocked so no one on board could access it and get any ideas.

* * *

McCoy never did find out.

Kirk and Spock made sure of it.

* * *

The rest of the crew looked on with amusement as the three (one ignorant) made their strange dance of embarrassing avoidance.

They had only written the fic as a joke.

This was even better.

* * *

A/N: I'mmmmmm baaaaack! Sorry about not posting for so long, things have been really busy over here.

Anyways... Hope you enjoyed it. Please leave a review (dang it!) after the beep.

*Beep*


	59. Dieing

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

A/N: This written in response to Servant05's review of the last chapter, just so you know it could go both ways. =P On a side note, it feels _really_ good to be back. :D

* * *

Dieing

Sulu was just a little curious when he walked into the laundry room in the middle of the night and found four or so members of security there also.

All of them were standing shirtless over buckets, hands and missing shirts submerged in an unidentified substance.

"What are you all up to?" You could almost never tell what was going through a red-uniformed person's mind. The Scotsman secretly playing his bagpipe in the bowels of the ship was proof enough of that.

The currently non-shirts exchanged glances, then one spoke up. "Dyeing."

"Oh." That was just a little ironic...

"What are you here for?"

Sulu grinned ruefully as he explained, "Gertrude caught some sort of virus so I've been keeping her in my quarters. Turns out it was really the flu because she just threw up on _everything_..."


	60. They're Making Out Right Now

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

They're Making Out Right Now

Slowly, the ensign woke up. Something had changed and, in her sleep, she noticed.

Sitting up in bed, her head tilted as she listened to increasing sound.

Her ears strained. Then, slowly, the words became audible.

_Kiss me, ki-ki-kiss me_

* * *

Kirk shifted, rolling over. His eyes popped open, acknowledging what had disturbed his sleep.

_Infect me with your love and_

"What the-?"

_Fill me with your poison_

* * *

Spock stopped his meditation in favor of determining where the increasingly loud music was coming from.

_Boy, you're an alien_

About to leave, he stopped in front of the door. His brow furrowed in thought.

_Your touch so foreign_

Locking the only entrance to his quarters, Spock turned back to his meditation mat, determined to wait this one out.

* * *

All over the ship, people were woken up by the music playing over all the intercoms.

The men were baffled, confused, not understanding what was going on.

It had a completely different affect on the women.

* * *

McCoy leaned back in Uhura's chair and took another drink of "coffee". The best coffee he had ever had.

_It's supernatural_

He knew he wasn't doing any of the men on board any favors, including himself, and that he _would_ end up regretting this. But gosh darn it! It had been too good to pass up.

_ Extraterrestrial_

Taking another drink, he grinned.

* * *

In an alternate universe a certain alien and communications officer made out.

Hotly.

* * *

A/N: They can stop playing that song now... That's all I've been hearing on the radio lately. Gosh.

Reference: Star Trek '09. Song: E.T. by Katy Perry.

*announcer's voice* "And now the author will attempt to produce an excuse out of thin air. This is a very difficult and delicate process, so watch carefully, and ask yourselves, _can she do it?_"

Ahem. For all you history buffs out there, I have but one thing to say: The finals are coming! The finals are coming!

*announcer's voice* "Tune in next week to see if the excuse actually worked! Maybe."


	61. Show Off

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Show Off

Kirk struggled against the boulder that had fallen on him during the completely unexpected landslide. This type of stuff always happened on the routine missions for some reason...

Anyway, Kirk was having no luck. Spock emerged from the settling dust at that very moment, eyebrow quirked, and stopped in front of Kirk.

"Here, let me help, Captain."

Then Spock lifted the boulder over his head and threw it away from his felled superior. It landed a good twenty feet away with a resounding "whomp!"

Kirk pushed himself to his feet, glancing down to asses his condition, then looked at Spock.

"... thanks, Spock."

* * *

At the next away mission they were having some trouble communicating with another alien species.

Spock took the opportunity, jumping to his friend's assistance. Literally leaping at one of the aliens and planting his fingers onto its face.

"Dang it, Spock, get off him! We got translator workin' now!" McCoy shook his head as Kirk tried to remove the over enthusiastic Vulcan from the traumatized recipient of a mind meld.

"Stupid hobgoblin, always tryin' to show off..." the doctor growled.

* * *

A/N: So I couldn't actually keep myself away until after finals. I'll probably pay for it.

This semester I took up yoga. Now _that's_ payed off big time. I can not only touch my toes while keeping my legs straight, but also put my palms on the ground and my head to my knees. I'm constantly dropping things now so I can bend _all the way over_ and pick them up. Then I drop them again. My family's getting a little annoyed...


	62. The Naked Time

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

The Naked Time

"This is... unpleasant."

"Nothin' I haven't seen before."

"How do you do it, Bones?"

"With a whole lot a' whiskey."

* * *

"Captain, I'm beginning to see why the doctor insists you diet."

"I have a name, Spo-"

"Both of you, quiet! I really don't need this right now."

* * *

"..."

"..."

"Can we have our clothes back now?"

* * *

A/N: I leave it to your imaginations.

Finals are over, I'm so relieved. Random Announcement: Karl Urban is _the bomb_.


	63. Sueage

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

Song: _Pretend to Be Nice_ by Josie and the Pussycats.

* * *

Sue-age

I gazed up at that wondrous ship, the _Enterprise_, a fierce look in my eye and a smile on my face. Once I got on that ship, nothing would ever be the same.

I was going to travel though space; mysterious, romantic space. I would never be the same, my smile widened, because out there in space, on that ship...

I was going to find love.

**Well he looks at me with those innocent eyes**  
**And says it looks like you're wearing some kind of disguise**  
**Because your hair sticks up, your shoes are untied**  
**I hope that you got that shirt on half price**

I couldn't stop looking at him as he inspected us and I stood in line... to be inspected...

My heart was pounding, I was so nervous.

Finally, his eyes skimmed over the ensign on my left and shot straight to me. His elegant eyebrow rose to meet his black-as-night hair.

I smiled winningly at him. His left eyebrow joined his right.

"That... _uniform_ is not regulation. Change into the appropriate uniform immediately."

His soulful eyes widened.

"While your enthusiasm is appreciated, return to your quarters first."

**And every word I say falls flat on the floor**  
**I try to tell a joke, he's heard it before**  
**And I don't think that I can take it no more**  
**He's driving me right out my front door**

"... can you believe she said that?" He grunted from under the control panel, fixing it for some something-or-other.

"And then she had the nerve to just leave. I was sooo mad." I laughed and handed him the sonic screwdriver.

We continued talking for the next twenty minutes or so, me telling him about my day, then he'd hum or grunt in response. Shy little thing.

Finally Scotty crawled out from under the control panel and handed back the screwdriver. I looked up at him from where I sat on the panel. He looked so cute with messy hair.

"Sorry, Lass, did ya say somethin'?"

**Why do you do what you do to me baby**  
**You're shaking my confidence driving me crazy**  
**You know if I could I'd do anything for you**  
**Please don't ignore me cause you know I adore you**

I turned around in surprise when I heard the sound of running coming my direction. Sulu was chasing after me, running down the hall with a potted flower in his hands.

He came to a sudden stop in front of me. I smiled. "Hi, Sulu."

"Hey, Angelica, do you think you could take care of Gertrude for me while I'm on this next away-mission?" He offered up the potted plant. "You just need to feed her the standard..."

I couldn't focus on what he was saying, I was trying so hard to restrain my tears.

**But can't you just pretend to be nice**  
**Can you at least pretend to be nice**  
**If you could just pretend to be nice**  
**Then everything in my life would be alright**

So they hadn't worked out. That was okay. There are plenty of fish in the sea.

I have a great personality to match my body. I would be fine. I could do this.

I'd just have to try a little harder.

**And I try so hard just to figure him out**  
**But he won't tell me what he's thinking about**  
**And then he falls asleep on the living room couch**  
**With his sunglasses on and his tongue hanging out**

I stood in front of his desk, wringing my hands, as I tried to explain. I rambled in ever tightening circles until finally I couldn't take it any more. I had to tell him.

"I know there's an age difference, but I don't care! I love you!"

Breathing heavily, I forced myself to look at him, to see his reaction.

Leo's light, beautiful snores chased me out of his office and past the reeling night shift.

It was so embarrassing.

**And then he disappears for a week at a time**  
**And then he shows up just like everything's fine**  
**And I don't get what goes on in his mind**  
**But I'm tired of hearing the same stupid lines**

I cornered him by the replicators. "You haven't been in the mess hall for three days now. Where were you?" I talked softly and looked up at him through my eyelashes. "You can tell me the truth."

He looked up from his tray, feigning confusion, and replied, "I was being held hostage on a Klingon on ship. Were do you think I was?"

I looked away now, trying to contain my tears. He still didn't trust me. "That's okay, Jim, I understand."

His eyes flashed. He was angry now.

"It's _Captain_ Jim."

**Why do you do what you do to me baby**  
**You're shaking my confidence driving me crazy**  
**You know if I could I'd do anything for you**  
**Please don't ignore me cause you know I adore you**

I sat down next to him in the mess hall. He _had_ to be the one.

"Hi, Pav..."

He stood up from the table and trailed another girl out of the room.

**But can't you just pretend to be nice**  
**Can you at least pretend to be nice**  
**If you could just pretend to be nice**  
**Then everything in my life would be alright**

No no no no no no...

This was not happening.

This could not happen!

_I have six more months of this?_

* * *

A/N: My first ever _posted_ Mary-Sue-ish character. Be glad, she could have been much, much worse.

So a lot of you new readers (who probably haven't gotten this far yet) will have noticed that the chapters were all out of order and in more than one place and all sorts of crazy stuff. It only recently came to my attention, thank you startrekgirl.m for pointing it out, and I only got to fix it today. Hopefully it will stay fixed; if not, please let me know._  
_


	64. Standard Fare

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Standard Fare

Home, sweet home. McCoy felt his mouth turn up in a smile. Okay, so it wasn't Georgia. It was Earth though, so close enough.

He pulled out his chair and sat down at the small square table. Spock sat across from him, looking at a nearby table.

It's occupants obviously weren't aware of the Vulcan's gaze. The families youngest child soon caught sight of Spock, however, making eye contact. Her little round face turned to a scowl. Spock merely raised his eyebrow in retaliation. Then he winked at the little girl.

McCoy attempted to shield his ears from the little girl's shrieks, putting his head in his arms leaning against the table. Looking up, he shot a glare at Spock. "Stop doin' that, will ya!" he hissed.

Again with the eyebrow. "I merely wished to observe her reaction."

"That doesn't mean I want to hear it," McCoy ground out. "Besides, it's creepin' everyone out."

"One child is hardly everyone."

"Yeah, well it's creepin' me out too."

"One child is hardly everyone."

"I'm gonna kill you."

Kirk chose that opportune moment to approach the table with their meals, almost dropping them when the mother rushed past with her little girl, still shrieking and now red in the face, and bumped into him. Reeling the last few steps to the table, Kirk set down the meals and and thumped into his seat between Spock and McCoy. Rubbing his ear and wincing, he asked, "Did I miss anything?"

McCoy glared across the table at the stoic Vulcan. "Nah, just Spock doing that thing _again_."

Spock steadfastly refused to make eye contact, choosing instead to inspect his salad.

For the next several minutes they ate in silence, concentrating exclusively on enjoying their first non-replicated meals in ages. Especially as the mother had yet to return with her child. Noticing the hand retreating from his plate, McCoy new it had been too good to last.

"Spock, give me my green bean back." Still short a green bean, McCoy tried again. "Give me back my bean _now_."

Spock swallowed. "I wished to try it," he offered as an explanation. Unable to come up with a good response, McCoy wordlessly set about to tearing apart the piece of pork on his plate with the most energy he could muster. Kirk sat between them and watched amused.

Several minutes later Spock attempted to appease the upset doctor.

"Spock, give me back my green bean."

"Dang it, Spock, I don't want _his_ green bean!"

* * *

A/N: Partially based on an encounter I had with a little girl the other day. Gee was she in a bad mood. The other half... I guess you sort of know what my dinners are like now.

Guess who's channeling me. _(Green-blooded, pointy-eared hobgoblin..._) And yeah, I never got my green bean back. _  
_


	65. OOC

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

OOC

Kirk spoke to the alien on the monitor, pacing back and forth, using his hands to add emphasis to what he was saying. He spoke of freedom, duty, space, love, and all things good, his speech halting in odd places and adding emphasis to strange words.

Spock sat at his station, his fingers steepled, staring with intense concentration at one spot on the floor as if he were in deep thought. _How did that stain get there... ?_

McCoy stood near the lift doors, rocking back and forth on his feet, hands clasped behind his back. All of the sudden he had a thought and turned to Spock, mouth opened to ask a question.

Spock glanced up from the spot on the floor and spoke before the McCoy could. "Quiet, doctor. We're in character," Spock said in a low, introspective voice.

McCoy considered this for a moment, glancing up at the ceiling as if to consult with it, before accepting what Spock had said.

Turning back to face the screen and Kirk's monologue, McCoy closed his mouth and started rocking again.

* * *

A/N: My muse recently informed me that Kirk wasn't getting nearly enough love in all of my little pieces, so watch out for the next chapter; it should be a doosy.


	66. Creation

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Creation

He looked down and saw these beings, saw that they were good. He picked them up in his large hands (for they were large compared to the tiny creatures).

The pair basked in his love and attention as he gazed down at them, cupped gently in his hands. Then he carefully placed them in what was to be their new home.

They were not scared in this new environment, however, because they knew they would be cared for by the one who had held them.

* * *

Kirk moved away from the air-duct, wiping a stray tear from his eye. "Go forth and multiply," he commanded his charges.

Indeed, they did go forth, hopping through the walls of the _Enterprise_.

And indeed, they did multiply.

For there is no such thing as just _one_ rabbit.

* * *

A/N: Ever wonder why everything always happens to the _Enterprise_? Plot bunnies were created by Kirk in one of his (not so) brilliant moments. And yeah, he could do it. =P


	67. Medical Marvels

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

Reference: _This Side of Paradise_.

* * *

Medical Marvels:

More Trouble Than They're Worth

Leonard H. McCoy was a man of many guilty pleasures. They weren't necessarily _bad_, he just felt guilty about them for some reason.

At the end of a long and hard day he liked nothing better than to relax in his quarters and indulge in one of his various guilty pleasures.

Today had been one such day.

His pleasure of choice: a popsicle.

Specifically, grape flavored.

He often chose to enjoy this treat in private due to the comments made when he enjoyed it in public.

* * *

_"You should have been a sword swallower in another life, Bones." _

_"I have been under the impression that the good doctor learned his trade from the circus." _

_"Shut up, Spock."_

* * *

_"Don't you have a gag reflex?"_

_ "I believe it is a normal function for most humans..." _

_"Can't you two bother someone else for a change?"_

* * *

He had learned his lesson.

Leaning back in his chair, McCoy popped the frozen desert into his mouth, prepared to fully enjoy the next ten minutes.

Instead of pleasure, however, he experienced a strange chilling sensation all along his spine.

Bones shook his head and removed the popsicle from his mouth, considering it for a moment. Giving up for the moment he shrugged to himself and put the popsicle back.

Again that unpleasant chilling sensation ran up and down his spine. He spit the popsicle out, recoiling.

Three confused and periodically unpleasant minutes and one half consumed popsicle later McCoy had it figured out.

"Tonsils. It's gotta be those new tonsils, darned things."

* * *

_Reviews are the Grape Popsicles of Life. Or if you prefer: reviews are the Magically Regrown Body Parts of Life._


	68. 1 Vulcan, 2 Terrans Mix Well

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

1 Vulcan, 2 Terrans. Mix Well.

Sitting alone in sickbay while recovering from his life saving surgery, Spock's thoughts turned toward music.

"Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go-o-o. I wanna be sedated!"

_On the bridge..._

"Don't worry, Jim. I gave him the good drugs so he should be knocked out for the next couple of hours."

* * *

Kirk stepped back with the rest of the landing party, pulling up his collar to cover his mouth and nose.

"Wow," his voice was muffled, "that possum's really good."

* * *

"Fascinating..." The voice of the tall women with the straight, raven-black hair petered off. Both delicate eyebrows had disappeared under a long bang.

The curvaceous blonde stared wide-eyed into the mirror shaking her head. "Not again..."

The oldest women, strangely the most beautiful, also stood in front of the mirror shaking her head. Only her arms were crossed tightly over her chest and she was smirking. "Now what I can't figure out is why this hasn't happened before." She laughed.

* * *

"So the first doe says to the second, "No really, check out his rack!""

"I do not "get" it, Captain."

"Just... never mind, Spock.'

* * *

_Back in sickbay..._

"I can't control my fingers, I can't control my brain! Oh no oh-o-o-o!"

"Spock?"

* * *

McCoy peered down into his patient's chest cavity. "Huh, never seen that before..."

* * *

"Why, Spock, I didn't know you could cook."

* * *

"Thank you for the cookies, doctor."

"No problem, Spock. I just hope you like chocolate chip."

"..."

* * *

"Oh my gosh. I never thought I'd say this, but he's so cute."

"I _know_. Just listen to that purr."

"Like a little angel..."

Spock rolled over, clutching his favorite uniform and nuzzling his pillow.

* * *

The little Vulcan sat on the examination table swinging his feet and looking around at his surroundings.

Kirk and McCoy held a small meeting by the doorway, speaking in low voices.

"Oh my goodness, he's even _cuter_ now."

* * *

Kirk spun around in his chair a few times while no one was looking before assuming an innocent expression. He turned a little and met Spock's questioning gaze.

"What?"

Spock chose not to reply, instead he turned back to his station. Kirk looked around again before making another spin. Then he fingered the buttons on the arm rest and smiled.

_"Gosh, I love you."_

* * *

A/N: Wrote down anything that came to mind, this is what I got. And I had way too much fun writing this.

References: That episode where the lady switches bodies with Kirk. Too funny... Um, fanon that Vulcans purr and that they get drunk off chocolate. Who knew?

Song: _I Wanna Be Sedated_ by Ramones. _  
_


	69. Rose Tinted

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Rose Tinted

McCoy didn't notice them at first; they were innocent enough.

However, after he walked by his desk upon which they lay for the seventh time he couldn't help but notice their presence.

Picking them up, he examined them for a moment before slipping them on.

His vision was clear as ever, only now everything had a pink tint.

He looked up at one of the lights on the ceiling. Strange, rainbows.

An even more curious than before McCoy walked out of sickbay, determined to see what he could see.

At first nothing seemed too different as McCoy wandered down the many halls and corridors of the _Enterprise_.

After a while though he did notice some differences. Small things.

The crew were being just a bit more affectionate than usual, staring at each other, saying strange things...

That he puzzled over, but wasn't too concerned.

He walked to the Captain's quarters, wondering what Kirk would think of his find.

The door opened and McCoy walked in.

He was concerned.

"What the dxqplagmorf," he spluttered, "are you doing, Spock?"

Shocked and appalled McCoy tore the goggles from his eyes. Then he let out a sigh of relief.

They both gave him a look.

"Oh, I just thought I saw- just, you know what? Forget it."

He looked at the goggles in his hand then back at them.

"Hey, Spock. Could you give me a massage some time? I've got this horrible kink in my neck..."

The goggles were never brought up again.

Well, except for that one time...

* * *

Reference: The back rub scene. They're these things called "slash goggles", it seems like everyone wears them for that episode...


	70. Blue Yesterday, Black Today

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Blue Yesterday, Black Today

Try as I might the stain would not come out of my blouse. Said blouse was sitting in the sink and turning the water an interesting shade of blue. With sparkles, can't forget the sparkles.

I gave up on the shirt and looked into the mirror instead. I tried to smile. I didn't which would break first, the glass or me. I really really hoped it wasn't me, but then again I didn't want to clean up the glass. I was too tired.

So I pulled the soaked shirt out of the sink and threw it into the trash can on the other side of the room, sending a spray of blue drops across the tile floor. I almost cried.

Instead I changed for bed and tucked myself under the covers. I rolled onto my side and got comfortable against my pillow. Then I cried. Because even if I got any sleep tonight it would be full of nightmares.

I dreaded the next morning.

* * *

_The next morning..._

As everyone began filing in through the door and spreading the farther they got into the room, I stood by the door greeting and making conversation. At least that was what I was doing on the outside. The inside was another matter.

I was panicking, screaming, praying, _pleading_ that they wouldn't show. _Just be sick today, just be sick today, just be sick today... _But then I regretted it and, feeling bad, revised. _Just go on a sudden surprise two month vacation, go on a vacation, a two month vacation... Please!_

That would be the last prayer I ever said or thought, because not two minutes later the first one arrived. No god could be this cruel.

The first one's arrival wasn't what turned me to atheism; he was generally no trouble to me or any of the others, being polite and usually quiet. No, it was the two who walked in right after him that made me despair. They were savage creatures disguised in cute, lisping, baby-shampoo_-_scented bodies.

I searched the room and my mind for a possible exit or excuse but could find none. There was no escape. So I gathered my senses and prepared for the following ordeal, swallowing back a sob.

"Okay, kids, who wants a story?"

* * *

"An fen fa Ra-woo-uns c-came an wan-ned fwip!"

"And then the Romulans came and wanted the ship because..."

"_Cuz fey ewil!_" His golden head bobbed up and down with the certainty of his statement. I don't know why I asked, it was the same answer every time.

By the time the Klingons came into the picture all the other children had wondered off to their previous activity. You could only hear the same story so many times before it wasn't exciting anymore. That's when the trouble always started.

* * *

Leo could not be trusted to do anything without turning it turning sour, either because he wasn't interested or that happened to be his favorite flavor that day.

You couldn't make him say the ABC's without him throwing a fit and crying, exclaiming that he "_ca-a-a-can't_ _do it..._" through the tears and snot-filled nose. But if you asked him to spell "blood", "coma" or any other unpleasant or scary word he'd happily oblige.

So while I was occupied with Jimmy he had decided to lead some of the other children in a sing-along. A _very_ sour sing-along.

"_T'wu widdle mun-kees siddin' in a twee kay eye el el eye en gee..._" Here he paused for a dramatic element, then finished, "burds." He beamed with his cleverness.

One of the other children who had always been too curious for her own good just had to ask. "Wah's ki- ke-keeling mean?"

Leo grinned wolfishly obviously enjoying the quiet before the giant tornado hit and wiped out the whole town before moving onto the next city over with the largest puppy population in the wor- I digress.

"I' means dat de burdies 're dead."

Then the screaming started and I hurried away from Jimmy to set things right. But things only got worse from there. Because Jimmy started crying.

* * *

"It is illogical to cry," squeaked Spock, by far the most innocent of the three.

Jimmy always willing listen to either of his friends (in Leo's case, cohort) stopped crying for a moment, looking blearily up and pouting at the small Vulcan standing in front of him before it was too much and he was overcome again. Only this time much louder.

Rubbing his delicate ears with clenched hands and furrowing his brow in intense concentration, Spock angled his head toward the floor and paced. Making a turn, he stumbled and fell with a small "thump" on his padded hindquarters.

Only then did the solution to his problem occur to him, as if his impact with the floor had jolted one of the electric signals in his brain towards a different and brilliant pathway. Rolling over onto his knees, he pushed himself of the floor and set a toddling course toward his destination.

* * *

I had just managed to calm everyone down from the "birdies" incident and was putting Leo in time out when once again everything was upset.

The little girl from the previous incident came hurtling toward me, with puffy eyes and tears still staining her cheeks, and away from the huddled and clamoring mass of children near the story area. "Brow-nees! I wan brow-nees tooo! Can I haf brow-nees too?"

It dawned on me exactly what was going on in that group by Jimmy. I left Maria still calling for the baked goods and approached Spock and Jimmy in the center of the group.

Spock stood at Jimmy's side, who was seated and happily pushing a crumbled brownie into his mouth but mostly onto the surrounding area of his face. Spock stood at the ready with the rest of the brownies and fending of any other children who wanted their share of the treat.

"Spock, what did I tell you last week?" I sighed, exasperated.

He looked up at me seemingly confused. "See you on Monday?" I didn't respond. "If you want something from the snack closet," he looked down at his shoes and let out a huff of breath before meeting my gaze again, "ask me and I'll consider it, but don't pick-lock it open and take whatever you want."

"Or whatever Jimmy wants," I added.

* * *

_One hour and three minutes later..._

"Ish plae-guh! _Ish plae-guh!_" Jimmy shrieked from where he was bent over my arm, holding it down.

Leo sat on my stomach and happily led the other rebelling children in his cry of "pee-el-ai-gee-ooo-eeee!" while Spock applied liberal amount of black finger-paint to my face, hair, and clothing.

Moments later Maria ran cheerfully up to Spock from the supply closet, happy to be included in the game, and handed him one ziplock full of sparkles. His eyes lit up, causing me to think this might not have been all Leo's idea.

Either way, my thoughts once again turned to any god out there and the concept of _mercy, please!_

* * *

Someone knocked on the front door just as I was about to start dinner. I thought it might be one of the neighbors so I answered it. I was greeted with the sight of six familiar individuals.

"Sorry to bother you around dinner time, but we're all going on a sudden surprise two month vacation. The only problem is we can't take our children with us; do you think you could take care of them in the meantime?" Winona asked pleasantly. "We don't want cause any trouble," Amanda added.

I simply stood there, frozen to the spot, eyes wide with horror, as my heart slowly chilled then stopped. I fell over, unable to stand anymore, rushing backwards toward the floor.

My head connected to with the hard-wood floor with a crack.

I woke with a start, shaking in a tangle of sheet on the floor next to my bed. Hastily I tried to untangle myself from the sheets and get to my feet, but they were damp from my cold sweat and wouldn't come off. I fell over again.

Too stunned from the fall and too upset to do anything else, I broke down crying and vowed to find another job.

* * *

A/N: I know, not the most original idea. Someone's already written a wonderful daycare!crew fic (I don't remember the name), but I couldn't resist this. As it was it took _forever_ to write because I've recently developed a fear of my keyboard; it's absolutely crippling.

Anyway, this is_ five times_ the word count than my usual scribbles so really put some effort into reviewing, people. Reviews are the sparkles of life. You want me to be happy, don't you?


	71. WIN

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

WIN

"I hate you."

"No you don't."

* * *

"Jim."

"Hmm?"

"Why strip poker?"

"Seemed like a good idea at the time."

"You're an idiot."

"You love me anyway."

...

...

"You did not just say that."

* * *

"I can't believe this..."

"He really cleaned us out."

"Way too enthusiastic..."

"Do you think if we asked nicely he'd give us our bedsheets back?"

"No."

"Hmm."

* * *

"When did you say the hallways would clear out?"

"Around one, why?"

"I'm getting really tired of this Jefferies tube."

"Now that you mention it, they are a little dull."

* * *

"You do realize he's a Vulcan."

"So?"

"Their whole culture is based on perfecting the poker face."

"Never thought of it that way."

"What _were_ you thinking?"

"If being naked is illogical."

"It doesn't really come into the equation if _he doesn't lose_."

"Hadn't thought of that."

"_You idiot._"

"That hurts."

"You know what else is gonna hurt?"

"What?"

"Your next physical."

"Ouch."

* * *

"I don't like the look on your face..."

"Do you think Vulcans are good at golf?"

"... Why?"

"Two words: strip golf."

"You're dead to me."

* * *

"The hallway looks pretty empty now."

"Give it another ten minutes."

"I just want to get out of here..."

"Patience."

* * *

_Seventeen minutes later, over intercom..._

"Hey, Bones."

"What?"

"He took my whole wardrobe."

...

"I hope Sulu never hears about this."

"Jim, just shuddup..."


	72. Find Her and Keep Her

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

A/N: This is the last chapter update for this fic for a while. Right now I'm working on two other ones (Bones and the OC, Little Ensign's Room) with actual plot. Therefore they get priority. Read them. Laugh. Review. That is all.

Reference: _Wolf in the Fold_.

* * *

Find Her and Keep Her

"Have yeh found a nice lass yet?"

"Och no, mum."

"Why ever na', Gunty?"

"I jus' don' like 'em..."

* * *

One damaged bulkhead: more than his year's salary.

* * *

"Yeh should settle down some'ere."

"Och, ah know, mum."

* * *

One damaged head: the source of his year's salary.

* * *

"Yeh should find a nice lil' lassie."

"Ah _know_, mum."

* * *

Mental trauma: still there...

* * *

"Don' yeh like lassies?"

"Whut 're yeh talking 'bout, mum?"

"Ah was jus' wonderin'..."

* * *

Mama Scott "wondering": awkward.

* * *

"Ow."

"Gunty bairn?"

* * *

Gunty Scott "headdesking": painful.

* * *

A/N2: Yes, Scotty's mother calls him Gunty. I know it doesn't make sense. Yes they have _really_ weird accents. I wasn't really trying. =P


	73. Walks, Talks, Acts, Smells Like a Duck

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Walks, Talks, Acts, Smells Like a Duck

It's a Stupid Duck

When he first saw it, he didn't know what to think. So maybe it was a little cute. He was a masculine guy. The thing was cute. No shame in admitting that. So he thought it was cute and got on with his life.

The second encounter he was vaguely annoyed.

_Serious work to do here, people. Shut up and let me do my job... Preferably before I strangle someone. Not that I want to strangle anyone..._

Subsequent encounters proved just how much he was more-than-vaguely-annoyed and getting closer and closer to if-it-sounds-like-a-stupid-idea-it-will-DIE.

So yeah, maybe he could have been a little more composed about the whole thing. But really, could you blame him?

"So_ help_ me, if I see one more tribble on the bridge I will personally gut and dissect the thing so Bones doesn't have to! _And get it off of my chair!_"


	74. What I Want For Christmas

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

What I Want For Christmas

A loud sound outside his door was the first thing to bring his head up. It was the two figures that rushed in a second later that made him lurch in his chair and scrabble for the drawer handle.

Bones, cheeks flushed and an evil grin plastered on his face, instantly caught on to what he was doing.

Spock, hair in slight disarray, had come here in the first place to ask a question. On entering the room, however, his attention had been drawn... elsewhere.

A second passed where Jim was frozen in position and the grin on McCoy's face _grew_.

"Watcha got there, Jim-boy?" Jim stiffened even more at the laughter he could hear in the back of McCoy's throat.

"Nothing." Pure innocence. His eyes tracked Spock's slow, trance-like stalk across the room, unable to stomach that _smile_.

The grin got even bigger and McCoy's eyes looked like they were about to pop. "That looks like a bit more than nothin'. Look's like some sort of guide... Lemme see that!"

An instant later the pamphlet was in the doctors hands. Jim, eyes glued to McCoy now, failed to notice the Vulcan having pounced on his own object of interest.

"Now, come on, Bones. You don't want to read that ol' thing..." His protests dribbled off. It should be impossible for some one to look that happy. He was doomed. And corned. Kirk suddenly regret sitting at his desk for this. McCoy looked a lot taller all of the sudden too...

Slapping the paper booklet against his other hand, laughing, McCoy said, "Well, Jim! This is right down domestic of you. I didn't know you knit!"

Grumbling and snatching for the booklet. "_Just learning... not knitting... actually crocheting... Christmas present_... _stupid... Scotty said... wanted a scarf..._ Just give it back already!" He finally lunged from his seat, arms flailing in an attempt to grab the booklet.

Arms over his head, holding the booklet aloft and out of reach, McCoy "oh-hoh-ed!" and "ah-hah-ed!" and "wait-until-Sulu-hears-about-this-ed!"

The two men were so occupied in their respective "oh-hoh-ing" and "I-can-have-you-court-martialed-why-are-your-arms-so-long-dang-it-ing" that they both failed to notice Spock leave the room.

He left the room quite oblivious to their actions too, as it turned out.

Simply put, this ball of "yarn" (or so he thought it was called) was quite fascinating and he wished to study it somewhere else. Where no one would see if he decided to bat it around a bit. To determine it's aerodynamic properties (among others).

Of course.

Completely logical.

* * *

A/N: Things are finally winding down a bit, so I don't feel I'm neglecting anything to take the time to write this little piece. I'm not going to promise any more pieces any time soon, but I hope you enjoy this bit.

About my characterization here: First of all, I love the idea that Sulu runs the_ Enterprise's_ gossip mill. Secondly, I got this scene into my head with the idea that they were all acting like hyper boys. Well, and Spock acting half cat. I have no idea what question Spock was going to ask Kirk initaily, but you can bet it was to resolve an argument between Spock and McCoy. Because that's what all good little boys do. They go to third parties to decide who's right (so they can shove it in the others face) but get detracted before they can do it properly. Yay. :)


	75. Sunday Afternoon

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

Sunday Afternoon

It was great, just wonderful.

The sun was up, clouds were in the sky, and there was a cool breeze.

"Hey, Bones."

However, the sun was the wrong color.

"Yeah."

The clouds were the wrong shape.

"This is nice."

The breeze smelled of something distinctly alien.

"Sure is, Jim."

Still, it was wonderful.

"Yeah."


	76. I Can't Hide, But I Can Sure As Heck

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

I Can't Hide, But I Can Sure As Heck

Run

"_Spock_... _Oh,_ _Spock_...  
_Come out, come out, wherever you are_...  
There you are!  
What are you, uh, doing there?  
You're not hiding, are you?"

"No."

"_Okay _then...  
Anyway, you're parent's shuttle just arrived.  
I figured you wouldn't want them waiting up for you, so I had them shown to their quarters to.. wait... for you.  
Huh, doesn't _really _make any sense...  
I digress.  
Are you going to come out anytime soon?"

"No."

"This is ridiculous.  
Come on, Spock."

"Captain, I suggest you release my arm immediately."

"Come on, time to see your parents."

"Release me."

"Not until you see yo- oomph!"

"Your efforts are not appreciated."

"You can't just run away, Spock!  
_I'll find you.  
_Again!  
Darn it."


	77. McCoy thinks, What an idiot

Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the Star Trek franchise or the characters in it.

* * *

McCoy thinks, "What an idiot."

Over the years and centuries...  
things with no explanation...  
and no proof of existence...  
have popped up on...

The internet.

Such as a picture of a small sign reading:

**Strip Golf Tournament**

**When: at 4 o'clock  
**

**Where: rec-room 6  
**

**Who: everyone + Spock  
**

**Be there or be square!**

_**The Captain**_


End file.
